Well That Was Fun!

So, Hod's car died.  After some wonderful interest free help from my dear parents, we now have this:

Our very own 2004 Mazda 6 wagon.  We are so happy with our purchase.  Now I don't have to worry about Hod's car quitting while he drives home late at night.  That's just scary!

Tuesday, Hod and I decided to make a quick trip to see his parents.  I had never been to where Hod grew up before, and it was pretty fun!  But, can I just share, WOW, they are some giving people.  Let me show you what I came home with.

Shoes:  2 pair.  The first pair is a pair of heels.  I would show you a picture, but they are in the car with Hod at his work, so I can't.  But let us look at the second pair.  They can almost be seen here ... Only make the top red part going around the bottom pink, and the bottom red part going around the bottom yellow.  Seriously, I remember watching Punky Brewster as a kid, and I loved it.  Now I have her shoes!  Big thanks to Mom-in-Law.  She's so nice to buy me shoes!


Coat:  Ok, Look at this:

Now imagine it Black.  It was pretty great.  It goes like this: my coat is old.  As in I got it for the winter of '98-'99.  It's worked well for me.  I wore it my entire mission.  And it has character.  But it kind of wasn't so super effective anymore.  I was super warm as long as I was wearing a sweatshirt or poofy sweater under it.  Hod and I had plans to get me a coat in the spring when they were all super cheap.  Until then, I would just wear layers.  Hey, they're in fashion!  Yesterday, Hod, Me, Mom-in-law, and Sister-in-law (I need to come up with some more names) were shopping.  I saw some coats, and we looked at them, and I liked them, but we just couldn't afford them.  If we hadn't spent $500 on our car this month, it would have helped a lot.  Well, a few months ago, Sis-in-law and her hubby decided that they wanted to save up some money to help someone for Christmas.  They had prayed and tried to find out who they should help, but they hadn't come up with anyone.  So they were just waiting, hoping they would know who to help.  After we got home from the Mall, SIL called her husband and talked to him.  She then took me and Hod back to buy me a coat, and Hod some new shoes that he needs.  And according to her, we were SUPER close to the amount her and her husband had saved up.  Yeah for inspiration!

THEN Hod noticed that MIL had a bright red shine-y thing that I happened to want, sitting in her garage.  He mentioned to MIL that I really wanted said item.  She decided that since she wasn't using it, that she wanted to give it to me.  (If you don't already have envy, I think you're about to)

Are you super jealous??

Really, I don't even know how to talk about how blessed I feel.  All of this, with the present Mom and Dad gave us, we're going to be able to pay our rent this month!  And I don't have to be cold anymore.  And I have shoes that don't hurt my feet, and Hod has shoes he can wear to church, and I can bake!

So, here is a shout out to all of my wonderful family members who bless our lives every day.  THANK YOU!!!!  Hod and I have had some hard months, and it has seemed that no matter what we do, we just can't get ahead.  But with everyone in our lives, we are going to make it!!

THANK YOU ALL!!!

Driving 101

So, I recently moved (recently as in almost 3 months ago) to a new state.  As a result, I need to get a new driver's license.  Soon.  As in I think if I don't get it this week then I'll have to pay a nasty fee.  I better get on that.  But really, do I have to know what the ok blood alcohol level is?  Can't I just say it's 0%?  Cause that's what it should be!  Yeah, I need to take that test.

Anyway, really this is about me venting.  You see, I have read the manual.  I know the laws.  So, let me teach you all.

For example, let's talk about a four way stop.  The first person to get to the stop sign gets to go first.  It's not based on how long you have been waiting.  I'm sorry that your line of cars had about 10 when you approached the stop sign, and mine only had 2.  That means I got to the stop sign before you.  So you don't get to go next!  Your side just went.  You don't get 2 cars in a row.  I know this is sad, but it's the law.  So stick it.

Round a bouts (I don't actually know how to spell that...)  I've lived in a lot of busy cities.  I get how to use these.  You don't.  You see, the speed limit is 15 mph.  That means that really, if we were all going the speed limit, 4 cars could safely enter at the same time.  This is what makes this an effective traffic control device.  But you see, when you enter the round about at 30 mph, it just makes it so no one else can go.  Thus ensuring that your line of 39 cars all get to go before anyone else.  And that's just rude.

So please friends, stop driving like you have been.  (PS, this is really to the locals here... and that involves exactly 2 of you, and I'm not talking about you 2, so no one should be offended about this)

And wish me luck on my driver's test!

A Little Bit of Everything

Hey, Yo's.

So, firstly, some serious stuff.  I was perusing around the internet today (Perusing... that is a great word that I never use, I may have to integrate it into my world.) and I found an article.  It can be seen here.  I think this kind of best describes how I feel sometimes.  I think my favorite part is when the author asks "Why do we have to put a spin on it?"  I totally feel that way!  I mean, yeah, I know I've said some of the things that she says not to say.  I've said them this past week.  About myself.  But I don't really believe them.  My favorite thing though, is how SO many people like to quote statistics to me.  Great.  I know that miscarriages are common.  But honestly, just because Jr didn't get to come visit me in real life, doesn't make him any less real.  I loved him, and he will always be part of my heart.  And telling me it's common doesn't make it any easier.  I mean, really, lots of people have had their mom die.  (I LOVE YOU MOM!!)  Are you going to tell someone that to make them feel better?  "Oh, your mom died?  Well that's sad.  But it happens a lot."  Wow... Feeling so much better.

It's snowing a lot.  I actually like snow for the first month.  The problem here is though, all of the wind!  I mean, really, if the snow wasn't blowing all over the place, there probably wouldn't be that much.  But it's blowing.  And blowing.  As in, we could give Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery day a run for ... his?  its?  their?  Whatever's money.  So I'm not really excited to drive to work tomorrow.  On clear days it's a 35 min drive.  Tomorrow, it may be the drive of eternity.  Pack your water folks, and don't forget the potty break, it's going to be a long one!  (For example, it took Hod 90 min to drive home today... then again, I have mad snow driving skills, so I bet I can blow his time out of the water!!!! ... Not that it's a contest...)

It's late.  And I should be asleep.  And yet I'm wide awake and actually feeling happier right now than I have for weeks.  Apparently exhaustion makes me happy.  Which is strange, cause normally it just makes me beastly.  Seriously.  I'm an ornery tired person.  I also think I would be an ornery drunk.  Which is why we are SO glad I'm active LDS and happy about it.  There is a severe lack of drugs in me.  Well, actually that's a lie right now.  The Dr put me on all sorts of meds.  And I'm taking them.  What is it about a D&C that makes you feel fine for the first few days and then feel like someone has reached up inside of you and is trying to rip you apart using the dullest knife ever invented for the next few days.  Hmm... sharing penalty?

So, I like juice.  We have it a lot.  It's a healthy choice and good for... my insides.  (What, it totally is!)  But I'm strange.  I like cold things.  Milk must be cold.  Ice cream, must be cold.  My pillowcase must be cold.  Juice, must not be cold.  Which doesn't really work, cause once you open it, you have to keep in in the fridge. As a result, every time I drink juice I pour it and then wait 20 min for it to warm up.  It's a hard life.

Hod just accidentally mixed milk and juice.  That's gross.

I'm fish sitting this week.  Hello fishy friend!  (HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY!  I always wanted to go fishing and see if that actually works.)

And on that note... I think I better go bed.  (I almost typed back to bed, and then I realized that I haven't made it to bed yet.  I have issues.)

What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello friends!  So, since I have brought all of you with me on this little trip, how about I tell you all about what happened?

First of all, I did end up having surgery yesterday.  (What did you do yesterday?)

Let's talk about how I feel about this.
-Negative side:
   1. This means I am no longer pregnant.  I lost the baby.  This is very sad.  Cause I loved this little one.  And besides a few ultrasound photos that made my baby resemble some sort of alien creature, that is all I'll ever have.

+Positive side:
   1.  Heavenly Father has been helping me a lot.  I don't know why this had to happen.  But I know it's his plan. That doesn't stop the sadness, but it does make it somehow ok.
   2.  Growing closer with Hod.  This has been really hard.  Because Hod and I are living in this city hours away from family, we haven't had anyone else to turn to.  So, even though it's been rough, we are closer.
   3.  Being done with this issue.  Really.  I have been worrying, and stressing, and doing everything I could to keep this baby, knowing that there wasn't anything I could or couldn't do.
   4.   *WARNING, BIG SHARING PENALTY AHEAD*   though I haven't been bleeding for the past 3 weeks, I have had what we have named the brown mucus of death.  Instead of blood, this has been coming out.  There are some theories that I at one point was pregnant with twins.  If that is true, I actually had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago.  And my body has been decomposing Jr. #1 for weeks.  Hence the smell of death coming from me on a constant basis.  Which is really not fair when you have a pregnant nose so every time you use the restroom you smell death.

So, to recap... This has been sad.  But Hod and I both agree that we are glad it's over.  We have been so stressed about all of this for a month.  And now, we're done.

Surgery was fine.  I was completely unconscious.  There were no complications.  I felt wonderful yesterday, I took some ibuprofen last night before I went to bed, because I've been told that the pain comes a while after the surgery.  So I took some just to make sure I could rest well.  There wasn't any pain last night, and there hasn't been any today.  I'm pretty tired, but I feel great.  My mom came up to be with me because we didn't know how I would be, and really, it was kind of like just having a fun sleepover with my mom.  And I had an excuse to be a little lazy.  That's kind of nice.

So dear friends.  I'm good.  I've gotten a lot of comfort from the one true place you can get it.  And life is good.  Thank you for all of your prayers, I know they have helped.  But know that I'm good.  This will all be fine.  I love you all!

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

Ok.  I have serious needs of buckets right now.  Let me tell you a story.

As all ya'll know, my life is really hard right now.  We'll know for sure tomorrow, but the changes that my body had been making when it became pregnant have been reversing.  I am 99% sure that I am going to be having surgery in the next short while.  This is being very hard for Hod and I.  Some days are better than others.  Today was a particularly hard day.  It has been hard enough that I have spent multiple hours crying.  Most of you know that is a really big deal for me.

As a result of this trial, I'm struggling to do anything extra.  I mean, I go to the three hours of church, but today just doing that was hard.  I just don't have anything else to give.

There is a kind woman who invited me to do something extra.  It's something that I have plans to do, I just can't right now.  But Hod has been participating in this extra thing.  I know it's not perfect, but that is what we are able to do.  I didn't really want to tell this person why I wasn't able to do extra.  But she just kept pushing.  Hod participating just isn't enough.  They really need me.  So I apologized and said that my life is just really hard right now, and that I would do it when I could.  I was then informed that nothing is more important that this extra event.

So, lacking in charity, my response went something like this:  "Actually, I'm in the middle of a really bad miscarriage that is going to require surgery.  I'm doing the best I can, I just don't have anything else I can give right now."  It shut her up.  I should probably feel bad, but I don't.  I tried to be nice, I told her I'd help when I could.  And yet I was judged.  You don't know my life.  You don't know what is going on.  You don't know me!

I was and apparently am pretty bitter.

It's my 100th post

Hey friends!

Sorry it's been so long.  I realized that my next post was going to be my 100th.  So I wanted to post something super cool!  I waited, and waited for something super cool, and it didn't come.  Instead you get this.  It is maybe super cool.

*WARNING*  This post could incur sharing penalties.  You have been warned.

I say maybe, cause I don't know if it's really happening.

First, I need to apologize to L1-L3.  You see, I'm probably pregnant.  One day, Hod and I decided to tell everyone.  Before I got to everyone I ended up in the emergency room.  I was possibly miscarrying.  As a result, I didn't really want to call anyone and tell them that I was pregnant.  That was Oct 23rd.  In the ER they took my blood so they could check hormone levels.  Then by checking them again on Monday they could know if I was miscarrying or not by how the levels changed.  On Monday I went back to the doctor.  They took my blood, and tested it, but because my ER visit was so late, it hadn't been a full 48 hours.  The numbers went up, but not enough.  We decided to blame time and try again.  Oct 29th they took my blood again.  Saturday they called me and said "Well, your levels are doubling appropriately, so it seems you're ok."  Through all of this, no one has told me why I'm bleeding so much.  I'm just told to wait and we'll see.

Hod and I have been trying to be positive, but we've still be so unsure.  But today we had an ultrasound.  This will answer all of our questions, right??  Yeah, that was our hope.  Here's what we know now.  I am 8 weeks along.  However, I'm only measuring at 6 weeks.  There is a baby inside of me, with a beating heart, but the heart is beating very slow.  Now, if I am really actually only at 6 weeks then this could be fine.  The heart is normally really slow at 6 weeks.  And we don't know for sure when I actually ovulated because I was just coming off of birth control and that messes everything up.  There is also a "spot of bleeding" or something like that.  This is a problem.  They are wondering if the placenta was too aggressive, and if that is what is the problem.  The Dr isn't sure what is going on.  At this time, he is leaning towards miscarriage.  Still.  Even though I got to see the baby.  Even though the heart is beating.  Even though I am doing everything right.

Now, one thing that I have to tell myself over and over, is what the Dr told me today.  He said that if I have been living a normal life, and not doing certain things (Which I haven't been) then there is no way that I could have been having a normal pregnancy and I messed it up.  It's just kind of a natural selection type of thing.

So, It's not my fault.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  Even though we've been waiting for 2 weeks, wondering, praying, stressing, not sleeping, we still don't know.  They have ordered another ultrasound for next week.  If things continue to look bad then we'll have a decision to make.  Wait it out when there is no hope, not knowing what will happen, OR surgery.  Basically choose to have an abortion because the baby will not live to full term and will not develop right.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, but some days it's hard.  I mean, really, I'm 26.  And I'm LDS.  I'm already way behind in the whole start a family thing.  I don't want to be set back again.  I don't want to lose the baby.  I love this child.  And through it all, there is nothing I can do.  But wait.

So, I'll put on my happy face.  I'll get in my car and drive through the snow and go to work.  I'll do what I can to serve others and think of them.  And the entire time I will pray that our baby will be able to stay with us.  That's all I can do.

Sorry to be a downer, but there's my life.  My 100th post.  Big news... and not.

A Few Pictures

As all ya'll know, I got married just over a month ago.  Our amazing photographer is still working on photoshopping our photos, but I thought I'd share a few of my favorite un-shopped photos.

It was an AMAZING day!  Thanks to everyone who helped.  You rock my knee highs!!

Life

I recently started a new job.  As a result, Hod and I both have to drive independently to a city 30 miles away.  Last night, we got off about the same time, and because I had a free meal at a restaurant, we treated ourselves as a happy one month celebration.  As we drove home, I was driving ahead of Hod.  We missed witnessing an accident by less than five minutes.  There was a motorcycle and a large truck involved.  As we approached the intersection we could see a dead body lying on the ground.  There were a lot of people around, and the police hadn't shown up yet.  We didn't want to be in the way, so we kept driving.  Right after we got to the intersection, another truck, seeing what we all could see, moved so he was blocking most of the view.  I was glad for this.  I'm sure there were a lot of children in the cars around us, and they didn't need to see.  I called Hod, and told him that I loved him.  I'm still pretty shaken up.  Life is precarious.  But I am glad to have mine.

A Lousy Memory

So, we all know that I don't blog everyday. The good news is, between all of the blogs that I do stalk, I always have one to read. Many of my family and friends have private blogs. I totally get that. Some people just aren't comfortable living their entire bloggy life as a bucket. Luckily I have completely embraced my inner bucket-ness. Anyway, the point of this, is Blogger daily asks me if I want to be remembered. Most every day I tell it yes. Every day, I am forgotten. I used to think that maybe it was because Hod would use my computer on a regular basis, cause we weren't married, and he would always come to my apartment. But, married life, and him having his own computer hasn't fixed the problem.  Alas, I seem to be destined to be forgotten. As a result, I feel the need to dedicate a song to Blogger. So, Blogger, dear, kind, free, forgetful blogger. This one is for you. (Seriously, read the lyrics, it totally fits, in a slightly creepy way.)  Oh, and as always, remember to pause the music player on your right before playing the video.  And, I'm pretty sure if Josh Groban had a grave to roll over in, he would after finding out that I just used this AMAZING song to mock Blogger.  

Amazing Problem Solving Skills

Last weekend, Hod and I went on a trip down to my home state.  While driving on a major freeway, I noticed a strange occurrence. I imagine that the men who are part of the state construction company had a conversation that went something like this:

*Imagine a door slamming as Henry quickly enters the office to talk to his supervisor George*
H: George!  We have a Ma-Jor problem!
G: Oh No!  What's wrong Henry? (This may be said in a "Did little Timmy Fall down the well" voice.)
H: All of the warehouses are full!  There is NO room for all of the construction cones and barrels.  What do we do??
G: Oh, silly Henry.  That's an easy one.  You know that stretch of freeway between this place and this other city?
H: Yes, sir!  I am very aware of that area on a major freeway that lots and lots of cars, trucks, and semi's travel everyday.
G: See, this is what you do: Take all of the extra cones and barrels, add in those signs that say you are entering a construction zone and then *giggle* drop the speed limit.  It's a "construction" zone, so you should probably drop the speed limit by about 30 mph.  Ha! Ha!  That will be great.  Can you just see all of the commuters, slowing down, driving waiting for the construction zone to really show up, but in never will!  Little do they know we're just out of room.  We just need a space for our extra cones and barrels.
H: That is a brilliant idea! Wow, George.  This is why you're in charge.  So resourceful.  I'll go right out and do that.
*Scene ends as Henry runs from the office to go to George's evil bidding*

Seriously.  We went through multiple "construction" zones.  No men working, nothing different on the road, just cones, barrels, and a really slow speed limit.  But I get it.  If you're out of room, what can you do?

The Life of Mr & Mrs Bucket

Hello friends!

I'm back!  AND I'm married.  Yeah, weird.  Today I was able to stand up and introduce myself in my new ward.  It was really hard to remember my last name.  But married life is good.  I highly recommend it.  Here's a few highlights:

1.  On our wedding night (No, this story isn't going there... who do you think I am???)  Hod and I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping with another person.  Middle of the night, I was actually kicked out of bed.  There was a couch in our room so I ended up there.  Hod doesn't remember asking me to move, but I was totally bummed.  It got cold, so eventually I made him get over it and I got back in bed.  Now we can successfully sleep in the same bed without anyone getting kicked out.  Although, apparently I can be quite the aggressive cuddle-er.  Hod has learned that when I am sleeping and I want to cuddle, he better watch out :)  Oh, and can I just share, one of the best feelings in the WORLD is when you're asleep and then a handsome man rolls over just to put his arm around you and pull you close.  Sharing penalty?  Hope not, cause I love it!

2.  We are all sorts of moved in!  We really like our apartment, except for the lack of storage.  That is a bummer.  But we are figuring it out.  We hung up all of our art and we look all sorts of ritzy.  The sad part is, we are totally the normal poor newlyweds.  But we're happy in our poorness!

3.  I have successfully cooked twice for Hod now.  This morning I tried and failed.  I was making french toast.  Not a hard thing to make.  But I didn't notice that on my brand new pan there was some plastic around the handle.  It melted.  And it smelled really bad.  And we didn't think it was on the food till Hod started eating.  He's sweet and tried to be nice and eat it anyway.  I made him stop because I didn't want him to die.  I may have ruined a pan.  And I'm not happy about it.  But it was funny.

4.  I'm still looking for a job.  I don't really enjoy not having work.  Actually, it's driving me crazy!  But at least Hod has a job.  Some nights he's gone late for work and that totally whomps, but some income is good.

So thats my life.  Nothing too exciting to report.  But life is good.  I love Hod, and I am enjoying my life!!

Yeah for the USPS

I grew up in a pretty small town.  Until about 8 years ago, we were the only people on our street with my current last name.  (I say current, because it's changing in 6 days!)  Once the other Buckets moved in up the street, we started getting their mail.  Quite often actually.  It's totally lame.  And quite annoying.

Time is crazy short, and my dear Mom decided that we should just mail the rest of the announcements.  So we did.  Once again, our postman messed up.  We ended up with some of Mr. Bucket's mail.  Guess what we got??  Yep, you guessed it.  The postman delivered MY wedding announcement, with my parents return address on it, to my parents house.  I tell you what, those are some mad skills.  That is SO lame!

So Much To Do!

I think I may be getting the slacker-iest blogger award.  I'm going crazy!!  Here's a small update on my life.

Wedding:  It's in 12 days.  12.  As in if I was a freak and was like the 6-fingered-man only double I would be able to count it out on my fingers.  I haven't even started to think about packing.  And I have to pack from 2 houses.  I still have wedding announcements that I need to deliver.  Oh, and let's just make life crazy, listen to this.  So Hod and I had decided where we were moving for him to go to school.  It's about a 90 min drive from were we currently life.  THEN 7 days ago, there was a big shift.  We are now moving a 2 1/2 hour drive the opposite direction.  Why?  Because God said so.  I really wish he would tell me things further in advance.  The good news is, we already have an apartment in the new location, some of my very bestest of friends live there, and Hod can still transfer for work.  I still don't have a job, but I didn't have one before either.  Good gravy!

Yesterday we went and took my bridals.  That was a lot of fun.  I had an entire entourage following me.  There was the photographer (L5), her assistant L7 in charge of the reflector, my roomie in charge of my bouquet, the friend who is doing my hair in charge of the veil, another friend who was in charge of posing me, cause I had NO idea what I wanted or should do, and her husband who was watching their baby, and may have joined me in a picture because I needed some manly influence.  I know, it's strange.  Just go with it.  I would post pictures, but Hod reads this blog, and that is not something he is allowed to see.

I still have 5 days left of work.  It's a pretty lame job, and though I was SO grateful to get it, I will be glad to leave it.  I am totally only working here for the money.  But getting this job was a gift, I am very much so done.

My parents get home in 2 days!!  I can't even tell you how happy I am about this.  At first, I kind of wanted to plan my wedding by myself.  Then I figured I would get exactly what I wanted because my Mom wouldn't be around to disagree with me.  This is all based on a small disagreement we had about my wedding reception when I was 15.  Well, I've grown up, and I don't think we would have fought anymore, and I am now just INSANE because I didn't wait for my Mom.  I mean, really.  What was I thinking!  L2 and L3 have been SO great to help me get things done, but there is only so much they could do.  They are crazy busy with their families.  L5 has been busy being my photographer, so she hasn't been able to do too much more, L7 has been traveling around the world and moving classrooms so she hasn't been here, Hod is working 52 hours a week, so he's not around to help.  As a result, I have probably done 87% of my wedding all by myself.  I am SOOOOO glad to have a Mom that I can throw some of the last minute things at.  I have to keep working and I have to move, and there is so much to do.  But she is coming home so soon from her mission mostly to help me.  Mom's are the best, and I sure do love mine!  And, I think I just need the rational mind of my Dad.  So, Mom and Daddy-o, Please drive safely, and come join me!  I only have 10 days with you before I'm a married woman, so let's do all of the fun things we can think of in between wedding stuff!

So, yeah.  There's my life.  It's crazy, and I'm barely holding on.  But it's all going to work out!!

I Have Shoes!

I'm not dead!  I know you were all wondering if I had died.  There has been a severe lack of blogging.  Sorry about that.  You see, my life is just pretty boring.  I work, I don't enjoy my work, I go home, I flirt with Hod, I sleep, I try not to be ornery, but sometimes I fail, then I start it all over the next day.  Oh, and I'm planning my wedding.  That's cool.  I'm getting married!!!  Good gravy!  Wedding plans have been pretty smooth, though there has been one big snag.  My shoes.

Now, just so you know, it did all work out.  I am actually wearing my shoes as we speak... uh read... as I type.  Though it is very probable that by the time you read this, I will no longer be wearing my shoes.  Either way, let me tell you of the journey to get these shoes.

Once upon a time, L5 and L7 and I traveled across the mountains to a cute little bridal store to try on wedding dresses.  It was here that I found my dress.  I am very happy about my dress.  They of course, wanted to sell me some of their super expensive shoes.  I tried some on, but they weren't my size, nor were they comfortable.  The thought I had was, "If I'm going to wear uncomfortable shoes, I really don't want to pay $70 for them."  It was agreed upon that they would order in the correct size, I would see if I wanted them and then if I did, I would pay for them.  I was also informed that if I bought my shoes there they would be dyed for free.  That was quite a selling point.  I paid for my dress, (Ok, let's be honest, my mother paid for it) signed my receipt, made an appointment to meed with the alterations lady and try on the shoes and left.  When we got to the car, L5 noticed that I had been charged for the shoes and that all over the receipt it said "No refunds, No exeptions".  LAME!  I didn't really even want the shoes.  I was totally tricked.  But I did sign everything.

I was a little unhappy, but to make up for it, I decided that I would pay for $70 worth of wedding things.  Two weeks later I went down to meet with the alterations lady and try on my shoes.  And my shoes weren't in.  Really?  I just drove all the way down here to try on my shoes.  That is so dumb!

I had to pick up the things for the alterations and bring them back to the alterations lady.  So I did.  I drove back down to the shop a week later, knowing it would only take me a minute to drop off my stuff and try on the shoes so they could be dyed.  Once again, the shoes had not yet arrived.  Really??  Are we really playing this game again?  So dumb.

An appointment was set to pick up my dress.  I was told that I could try on my shoes that day and then they could quickly dye them.  I would be taking them home wet, but that's ok.  I picked a color to dye my shoes (#71 a dark navy) and thought everything was ready.

The day to pick up my dress arrived.  Woo hoo!  I went to get my dress, and tried on my shoes that had finally arrived.  They fit, so I told them to dye them.  "BUT." said the alteration lady, "your dress doesn't actually have any navy on it, so you don't want that color."  "Uh... Yes, I do" I replied.  "No, you really don't. And it's only $10 to have them re-dyed after the wedding"  This seemed reasonable to me.  So we picked a color that did match my dress exactly. I asked if I could come back and pick up my shoes in about 30 min.  I was told no, because no one working that day knew how to dye shoes.  My cute future sister in law offered to pick up the shoes for me because she lives in the same city as the shop.  Ok fine.  So I went to leave.  Then I was stopped.  "I'm sorry ma'am, but it will be $10 to dye your shoes."  What?  I had been told that it would be free.  Turns out, the day I did all of this the woman helping me was "developmentally disabled".  She often makes people promises and they can't honor them.  Um... Hello!!  Not my fault you have someone making false promises to people.  Dye my shoes!  But they wouldn't.  I begrudgingly paid my $10 and left with my dress.

A week later, I was down visiting my future sister in law.  She had my shoes!  Yeah!  So I looked at them... they were the ugliest shade of blue I had ever seen in my life.  Seriously.  And the color wasn't staying on the shoes.  As in my hands were all blue because I had been touching them.  I can't wear something like that under my dress!  This is SO not ok!  And they are ugly!  AAAHHHHH!!!  It was after hours, my sister in law offered to take them back, and I went home knowing I had to call the dress shop on Monday.

Monday came.  I called the shop, and was told that the color was coming off because the shop had been out of Scotch Guard for about a month.  But I could go buy some at Wal*mart and I should be fine.  I don't think so!  I'm not going to go buy myself a whole can of scotch guard.  What in the world would I do with it after??  And besides, they were ugly!  I didn't want them!  The woman I was speaking to was a little confused, and she asked me if she could talk to a coworker and call me back.  I said ok, she took my name and number and I hung up.  And she never called back.  GRR!!

Wednesday came.  I called again.  By now I'm pretty darn ticked.  I was ready to fight about this one.  Armed with some really good arguments I called.  The phone was answered by a very nice reasonable woman.  When I told her my problems, she said, "Oh, no, you can't wear ugly shoes for your wedding, and we can't let you have shoes that are leaving blue everywhere.  Bring them back in and we will re-dye them the navy color you first wanted and spray them with extra scotch guard so the color stays."  I asked how much it would cost, she told me it was free cause it was their mistake.  That's some customer service!  Whoop Whoop!

My sister in law took the shoes back in.  A week later (this last Thursday) she went to pick them up.  "That will be $10 ma'am."  You have GOT to be KIDDING me!  She didn't take them and called my fiancée' to tell him the problem.  He was in town, and I was driving down to join him later that day.  Hod, being the good man he was told me he would take care of it.  I had tried being nice and they were being difficult.  He was sick of them ticking me off, and he was going to give them a piece of his mind and get me my shoes.  So Hod went, ready to fight to the death to make his cute fiancée happy.  I sure do love a man who will stand up for you.  He walked into the store, told someone he was there to get my shoes, they walked to the back, picked them up, came back to Hod, pulled off the note saying that they were being re-dyed for free and handed them to Hod without any questions.  I swear this company is bi-polar.

So, I have my shoes.  Let's be honest, they aren't actually navy.  They are more of a deep royal.  But that's ok, cause it matches my dress.  And I will not be going back there to try again.  But the color is staying on the shoes.  Alright, some of the color that got on the inside comes off on my feet, but it won't be dying the inside of my dress blue.  I have shoes!  I think getting these shoes has been the hardest part of my wedding.  It's so lame!

So... the moral of the story is... well I don't have one.  But man, I better get a lot of use out of these shoes, cause they were a pain to get!

The Beginning of All Things Ultimately Lame

Greetings fellow Bucket-eers.

If you check the countdown in my right hand side bar, you will see that I have just over 2 months before Hod and I will be married for eternity.  I am SO stinkin' excited.  I am also very attached.  Seriously.  Monday night, I had this horrible dream.  Hod died, and there was a bad man coming after me trying to do bad things.  It was no good and I woke up in a very foul mood.  Well, part of that was the dream, part of that was the fact that I was getting up so stinkin' early cause a girl at work quit, so I had to cover her shift, but it's also good, cause now Hod is working my shifts, and we get to work together, and now we may actually have enough money that some days we can eat food other than Ramen.  Uh... Yeah, I digress.

Because in my dream dear Hod died, I realized that I love this man more than I thought I could.  It's kind of crazy.  Really folks, this is some super lame, crazy intense kind of love.  Not like a creepy kind of crazy.  I haven't blown up pictures of him and taped his face to my teddy bear.  I just really love him.  I assume that all of you married friends understand what I'm saying.  As for the rest of you... just trust me.

Where was I going with this?  Yeah, I'm not sure either.  I guess to show my true devotion... or not really for that reason, here are some of our favorite engagements.  They were taken by L5.  She has some serious skills.

Oh The Wisdom

Hello fellow bucketteers.  Oh, I like that one.

So, I have a Mom.  She's pretty great.  She has taught me a lot of things.  I remember back in the day when I lived at home, that when she would run the dishwasher, she would never let it go through the dry cycle.  I never knew why.  I just assumed it was because that took a lot of energy and we were trying to save money where we could.  It made sense to me.  Maybe that really was the whole reason, but I wonder if there was something else involved.

You see, I live in an apartment with some pretty amazing girls.  (Hey, yo's!)  All of us have lived on our own for a large number of years, and we have mad skills at some pretty simple things.  For example, we can all load the dishwasher.  And yet, sometimes in my life, while living with girls with mad dishwasher loading skills, there has been a mishap.  During the great and powerful washing cycle, things shift just wrong and land on the heating coil. Then when it goes to dry, your house ends up smelling so bad you get a major headache and then stay up blogging instead of sleeping cause your head is spinning.  It's a total bummer.

Though, when I think about it, I don't remember this ever happening in my house growing up.  Not only does not using the power heat dry cycle save power, but if something does shift, it won't burn up, or melt down causing the worst smell known to man to take over every inch of the apartment, invading your nostrils and everything you thought to be good smelling and pretty.

The great wisdom of Mom's.

On other news, I spent today doing absolutely nothing.  Wedding plans are coming along great.  Though, with work and planning all day every day is super crazy booked for me.  So, dear Hod was willing to give up some of his time and do nothing with me today.  I think this is the first nothing day I have had in over a month. I am very aware that once I'm married nothing days will forever be gone, so I need to take advantage as I can.  Spending most of the day sitting in your pajamas, eating waffles, and watching Duck Tales.  What more could a girl ask for?  So, dear Hod, Thank you for spending the day doing nothing.  I could do nothing with you forever and be happy.  Ok, not true, I have to much ADD for that.  But for today, it was great.  I love you sir.  (Yes, I realize that is super lame.  No one forced you to read it..)

Romantic Words

So, I'm sick.  Or I have food poisoning.  I'm really not sure.  But I do know that last night during dinner, I became very nauseous, and Hod was perfectly fine.  I lay down for a bit trying to get my stomach to settle.  Hod was sitting close, but not too close, cause he knew I didn't feel well.  After fighting it for 2 hours, I suddenly stood up, walked towards the bathroom and told Hod that I was going to lose it.  It's pretty awkward.  I really didn't want him to see me like that.  There is nothing attractive about puking.  Anyway, on my way to the bathroom Hod asks, "Would you like me to hold your hair?"

My hair was in a pony tail, so I didn't need it.  Still, the fact that he would offer was sweet.  I don't think I would ever offer to hold someone else's hair.  I mean, really, that's gross.  I don't want to be there.

So, lame line of the week, that for some reason I find very cute and romantic:  "Would you like me to hold your hair?"  That's real love.  ;)

Work, Work, Work

My day today went something like this:

Only picture this with less chocolate, not nearly as cute outfits, and ice cream bars instead.  And they didn't go in my mouth, I just had to keep throwing them over my shoulder.  20 minutes into my shift.  It was a long day.

Life Changing Moments

Guess what dear friends!!  I'M ENGAGED!!!!

Here's the story:

Yesterday, (My birthday) I had to go the the large city that is my state capitol.  I had a wedding shower to go to.  Hod came with me, and he just distracted himself while I was partying with the girls.  He came to pick me up with flowers and a giant Slurpee!!  I was pretty happy about the Slurpee.  We drove to this pretty place downtown and then to a large area that is owned by my Church.  ... It's being really hard to be vague here.  I guess this is a big state, and you have no idea where I was driving from, so I'll just tell you.  We were in Salt Lake City at Temple Square.  We parked on one side, and then walked to the other.  Hod was in a big hurry.  There were lots of pretty flowers, and I was trying to take my time.  You know, stop and smell the roses (Ok, they were tulips) and all that.

Because of Hod's mad speed walking skills (He claims he was nervous) we quickly arrived at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.  This is when things got a little bit special.  Hod sat me down in a chair, and then proceeded to blindfold me.  I really don't like being blindfolded, but I did play along.  I then found head phones being placed in my ears, and there was a great song playing.  It's called "I'm Doing Everything (for you)" by The Rocket Summer.  My favorite band.  I was then led through the lobby, dodging chairs, people and a giant piano into the elevator.  Did I mention I don't like being blindfolded?  A strange thing happens when you make me close my eyes.  Suddenly, I have no sense of balance.  The good news is, I had a very nice man holding my hand keeping me safe.  We rode the elevator to the 10th floor where they have really big windows so you can see the view.  We went to the east side of the building.  That is the side overlooking the city, not the temple.  The side overlooking the temple is cliche'.  He knelt down next to me, opened the ring box, and told me I could take off my blindfold and look at the view..  Here's the problem though, at this point, I knew he was proposing.  He positioned me so I was looking out the window, and he was just out of my line of vision.  So I'm standing there, looking at the city thinking, "What in the world am I supposed to be seeing??"  I was all sorts of confused.  Finally Hod says, "Um, the view's down here!" To which I turned to see him on one knee with a beautiful ring.  I jumped back in surprise, even though I knew it was coming.  Hod said some very cute things, that I can't really remember cause I was freaking out a lot, and he asked me to be his bride for eternity.  My brain was super fuzzy, and I just kept trying to say something in the affirmative.  My mouth was having issues.  As a result, what came out of my mouth was, "Uh... Yeah... Sure..."  I'm pretty sure I'm never going to live that down.

We then went to the Garden restaurant to celebrate.  It was an amazing day.

Here's the proof :)

The Green stones are Emeralds.  My birthstone :)

This is the side view.  Hod's favorite part is the side detail.  Oh, and Hod designed it.  The bottom is flat because I am hard on rings.  He did such an amazing job!  I Love him.  He's just so great!

Get Over Yourself

Hello friends!

Sorry that I've been gone so long.  I just... haven't had much to say.  As for my last post... I guess we're going with Hod.  Though it's not his favorite choice, but I think it will work just fine.  Things with Hod are going very well.  He's great.  But that's not the purpose of this post.

I'm in my local institute choir.  The easy one that doesn't involve any trying out.  My sister L5 is part of the auditioned choir.  That choir is led by one Bro. Halibut (Yes, L5 I'm aware that Bro. Halibut's real name has nothing to do with fish, but it's a common mistake others make, so we're going with it.)  People who know me, know that I am not really a fan of Bro. Halibut.  He's a good man, I just can't really stand to have a conversation with him.  That could be because every personal interaction I've had with him has been negative.  I know you're in charge, but really, I've been playing drums for 13 years, you may want to trust my judgement, because after going through 5 other steps, you're going to come to the same conclusion that I suggested to you.  Sorry, but I digress.

L5 and I are in a concert together this weekend.  It's actually the auditioned choir's concert, but they are letting the non-auditioned choir join in.  But really, it's still almost all about the auditioned choir.  Last night, by the time the performance had actually started, I was a little.... unhappy with things.  You know, things like how during our prayer, the speaker asked that we would be able to perform in a way to make Bro Halibut happy, and then he said and in a way to make the Lord happy... I'm thinking that order should have been switched.  Then the lady who was announcing things talked about how the auditioned choir was here to represent the institute and how cool they are, and all of us non-auditioned folks were just there to... twiddle our thumbs.  Ok, that last part wasn't said, but it sure felt like it.

Being as I already have issues with Bro. Halibut, and I'm not a big fan of how most of the auditioned choir acts like they are better than us non-auditioned people, I wasn't really in the best mood.  Well, that and Hod was supposed to be there with me, but then he got called into work, and thats just lame, cause life is always a bit more fun when you have a cute boy there.

This concert really is quite the production, with dancers in their many costumes, L5 being the rockin' awesome narrator and some great choreography.  The non-auditioned choir was placed in the fake mezzanines found on both sides of the stage.  We were up high.  Man did it get hot.  Oh well.  Seeing as I am fairly vertically challenged, I was on the front row.  No surprise there.  And I had a kind of cool experience.  Where I was sitting, I could see where the boys would stand while waiting to come on stage.  This mostly happened to the dancing boys between costume changes.  During one song, I saw one of the dancers standing there waiting.  He was behind a big screen thing so people couldn't see him.  He was far away from any of the microphones. And he was singing with his heart.  I could hear him, but I'm pretty sure that no one else could.  But he understood the purpose of things. Yes, he was there to perform, but mostly he was there to share his testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and of our Savior Jesus Christ.

And there I was thinking about how this whole thing was lame, and I was hot, and my back hurt.  Then it hit me.  No, I'm never going to be Bro. Halibut's #1 fan.  But I love music, and I love the Lord.  Sometimes I just really need to get over myself.  I needed to understand the purpose of things.  It's not all about you, Paily!

A New Name

Dear Friends!

So... life's been interesting.  Here's the story.  I am officially 100% done with Scuttle.  We had a very nice chat yesterday, and we both had come to the same conclusion.  I truly hope that we can be dear friends, because I will always care about him.  He has some amazing qualities.

But on to the next part of life... I have a new friend now.  He is actually one of Scuttle's friends.  (Oh the scandal!)  We like each other and have decided to date.  He is such a good man.  He treats me like a queen, honors his Priesthood, and makes me laugh a lot.  Good times, yo.  The only problem is:  what do I call him?  Before Scuttle, I would talk about scuttles.  I thought that just making it a real name was a great idea.  But now what do I do?  Do I just pretend Scuttle the 1st never happened so I can call Scuttle the 2nd, Scuttle?  That just seems confusing.  And I don't really want to pretend Scuttle the 1st never happened, cause there were some great times.  But Scuttle the 2nd just takes too long.  So here are some options:

Brazier: it seems like a cool name... but it's also a way that I would probably try to spell an item of women's clothing.

Hod:  Simple, easy to spell, but makes me think of HUD.  That's a word that L7 got me saying that is kind of the equivalent of Blast... so it may be a bad idea.

Cask:  One of my favorite options, but it is usually used to hold alcoholic drinks.  That does put a damper on it.  So, what do you think?  Any good ideas?  I'm totally open to other suggestions.

Thanks, yo's.

Paily

I Love Cereal!

Greetings friends!

This is a short post.  There is a girl that I work with, who participated in a CRAZY cool project for her senior class.  I was able to go and see it, and I would like to share it with all of you.

This is the close up version.  Notice the nice dark, rich color of the Coco Dino Bites, and the contrasting paleness of the Tutti-Frutties, and the subtle accent of the Frosted Mini Wheat

Now, here is the whole picture.  Seriously.  That is the huge gym from my High School.  There is about 4000 lbs of cereal on that floor.  All donated by Malt-o-Meal.  This picture really doesn't do it justice.  Oddly enough, seeing a great masterpiece reproduced by breakfast cereal is quite awe inspiring.  (Really, click on it. Let it fill your screen, stand back, and tilt your head to the left.  Now do you get the full effect?)

Sometimes life really does have fun little surprises.

Oh The Scandal!

So, I'm a little old.  Ok, not really.  I'm only 25.  I'm in the prime of life!  Or something like that.  I don't really know the specifics.   But I have fun and then I get to say 25!  And though I don't get $7 when I say it, it still makes me happy.

When I moved into my apartment with L7, she gave me a gift.  It is a cute stuffed bear from Build-A-Bear Workshop.  Super cute and soft and cuddly.  His name is Vic.  Like Vic Firth.  I love Vic Firth!  My favorites are 5A's with an Acorn tip.  Yep, I'm talking about drum sticks.  My IQ may have just dropped a few points, but I still love drums.  

And this has nothing to do with drums... It's just late and I can't seem to stay on topic.  Most nights I sleep with Vic.  Yep, I'm 25 and I still sleep with a Teddy Bear.  I don't have to, but I just love to have something to wrap my arms around.  Don't you worry, I will stop this habit when I marry.  Then I'll just wrap my arms around him.  I sure hope he's a cuddle-er.  I guess before I worry about that, I should try to figure out who he is...  Details.  They're so overrated.

But the point is:  Vic wears these really cute blue jeans.  Most mornings when I wake up, Vic's pants are falling off.  The jeans have a cute hole in the bottom for Vic's tail... and they are always way past his tail.  Apparently I am actually a scandalous person.  Every night I try to undress my Teddy Bear.  I don't know what Vic did to deserve this humiliation, but there it is.  (Did you know if you spell humiliation wrong, the second word that Chrome suggests for you is assimilation?  REALLY?  Yeah, they are totally close.  I don't get it either.)

So, here is my apology to Vic.

Dear Vic,

I am so sorry that every night as we cuddle, your pants fall off.  I promise I'm not doing it on purpose.  And every morning I fix it, so you can be modest all day.  Thank you for your constant forgiveness.  Even though last night your pants were falling off, tonight you'll still let me cuddle with you.  That's true devotion right there. I'd like to promise it won't happen again, but... it probably will.   Let's be friends.

Paily.

No One Knows Why I'm Doing This

Dear Friends,

I don't really know why I'm writing about this.  But I just feel like I should share the things that I've been learning.  I have an AMAZING Book of Mormon class taught by a Member of the 5th Quorum of the Seventy.

Two weeks ago, we learned about Anti-Christs!  (I know, it's pretty much the coolest subject ever!!) We learned about Humanism.  That is the doctrine of emphasizing a person's capacity for self-realization through reason, one who rejects religion and the supernatural.  Focusing on the assumption that you cannot know what you do not see.  I even learned how to fight the Anti-Christ.

Sometimes, I think I try to do too much.  I try to reject the Lord.  He's doing all he can to help me, but I try to do it alone.  And why do I try to do it alone?  There is a reason I have family, friends, bishops, priesthood blessing, things like that.  And yet, I still try to do it alone.  That is a very bad idea.  But then this week, we learned a better plan.

Some days I feel very lost.  I feel like I don't know who I am.  C.S.Lewis said (though I am paraphrasing) The best way to find yourself, is to look for Christ.  If you look for yourself, you will find despair and ruin.  If you look for Christ, you will find peace and Love, and he will find you.  "Christ says, 'Give me all. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it.' "

Alma 33:19-23 talks of the importance of looking to Christ.  Specifically talking about the Children of Israel and the staff that was a type of Christ.  How if the Children of Israel would look to that they would live.  If we look to Christ, and feel the swelling of faith grow, your burdens will be made light.  All this ye can do if ye will.

Alma 34:31  Come forth and harden not your heart any longer.  For behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation.

Why do I stop myself?  Why don't I just look now?  I'm really pretty good at looking for a bit and then turning away.  But I can do this.  I can do this if I will.  It's up to me.  So.. I will do it.  I will stop letting my heart be hardened.  The days that are good days are the days that I look to Christ.  The days that I don't stress about my troubles, and I just have faith.  Sure the troubles are there, but so are the answers I've been given.  And no matter how much I ask, I keep getting the same answers.

We'll see if I can really do it.  But that's the master plan.

Pretty Much I Like Fire

Tonight I went to the ballet.  That's pretty cool.  I've only ever been to one ballet before.  It pretty much rocks my knee-highs.  Although, I will say that I am VERY glad that they put a synopsis in the program.  I just didn't really understand that language.  I think that I need to attend many, many more, so I can figure out what they are saying.  That would be a great idea.  But the dancing was great.  And now I feel all sorts of cultured.  I'm high society, Yo.  (All the hoity-toity posh people say things like "Yo".)

My favorite part of the show was the music.  Really, I love this song.  Though their version was much shorter, it was still pretty great.  So, now for your viewing pleasure, listen to this and just feel the greatness.  Someday I want to be an orchestra and play this song.  If I could play the timpani part... Just thinking about it gives me shivers.  I love it!  I think the last three minutes are my favorite.  Just close your eyes and let the beauty pour over you.  Come on... you know you want to!

And I Know This Is Random...

Dear People of the Land of Buckets,

Greetings!  So, it's crazy late, and I'm sure I should be sleeping.  But you see, sleeping is something that I seem to have misplaced my talent of.  That's a bummer.

OH, but I do have a great new pillowcase.  CRH made it for me and I got it during my "Let's run away from  your problems" trip to TX.  It's pretty great.  Argyle.  That girl knows me!  Well, let's be honest, most all of you know me and you all know that I love argyle.  Really, what's not to love?  The good news is, I am even using the pillowcase now.  It's not my #1, but getting closer.  There is an adjustment period to me and pillowcases.  You see, when I am sleeping I need to have something familiar next to my face.  Many people take a pillow with them when they travel.  All I really need is a pillowcase.  Mmmm it makes me feel all cozy just thinking about it.  Anyway, when I get a new pillowcase I have to ease myself into it.  I sleep with 2 pillows, so the new case goes on the bottom.  But my pillows are angled so sometimes I'll end up on the bottom pillow.  Then my subconscious cheek gets used to the new pillowcase, thus making it so I can move it up to #1.  It's pretty intense.

And that my friends, concludes the really random portion of our program this evening.

I just have to share, how grateful I am for the Priesthood.  I have had two blessings in two weeks.  That's pretty much a record for me.  But they were both good.  I kind of had to be talked into the one tonight, but it was perfect.  Good news for me:  I'm not crazy!  You see, I've really been questioning all of the answers I've been given.  Hence, the reason the blessing was so good tonight.  I was told that I will be able to do what I've been asked.  And that the answers I've been doubting were real.  That I can have faith in them, because they will come to pass.  So... Here we go!  Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!  (No, I'm not a creepy talking shrunken head.)  So, thanks for my friends who can give me a blessing at the drop of a hat.  You totally rock my knee-highs.

Oh, and I was pretty much proposed to on Facebook tonight.  Too bad it was by a guy who hasn't taken me on a date for over a year.  The joys of Facebook.

PS, the title of this post can be found in one of the songs that plays on my blog.  Just tying all of the Buckets together!

A Few More Rules

Ok friends!  I have some more subway rules for you all!

Rule #1:  When you step up to the glass, please know what you want.  Now, I realize, there are a TON of choices at our shop.  You may walk in and have no clue what you are in the mood to eat.  I understand that.  That doesn't concern me.  BUT when you step up to the glass, you should know what you want.  ESPECIALLY if you come into our store 20 min before we close.  We have a lot to do.  I really, really don't want to be standing there waiting for you to figure it all out.  Our rule is that if you are standing away from the glass, we can keep cleaning and working on closing.  We all are trying to have a life.  As a result, I would like to leave about 10 min after we close.  Please do what you can to assist in this great work.

Rule #2:  It is great that you want to come and get healthy food late at night.  Sure, bring the whole family.  But please keep your children in control.  When you come with your friends, and you put your two 3-year-olds at their own table, they are very likely to start running all over.  Please, control them.  It is very hard for us to do our job when your children keep coming back into the employee area.  And, because you spent so long choosing what you want, we are running behind, so there are quite likely going to be knives flying around.  You really don't want your kids coming into this.

Rule #3: Don't lie to me!  Here's the deal.  I've been doing this for a year.  I am very aware of how to best put your sandwich together so it is the neatest, and easiest for you to eat.  So, when you tell me you want all of the veggies, I need to put the sauce on first so it's all nice and neat.  This is why I ask you, "What sauces would you like?"  DO NOT tell me that you don't want any sauces.  Really, if you say those words, then I'm not giving you any sauces.  Because, when you tell me that, and then you ask for all of the veggies, and you want extra of 3 of them, your sandwich is busting out all over the place.  NOW you want to add 3 different sauces?  REALLY?  Who do you think you are?  You point blank lied to me!  That is so lame!  And yes, being the nice person I am, I'll give them to you, but then, when we close the sub, all of the sauces are going to fall out with your loads green peppers, thus making the sauces pointless.  But now they are all over my gloves.  Thanks for that.  LIAR!  You are so fired.

~As for an update on my life, just in case any of you were wondering.  Here's the story:  I'm ok, ish.  Some of you are aware that I was looking into possibly getting some counseling, cause I've been pretty depressed.  Well, I talked with my bishop, and he doesn't think that I need that.  We talked a lot about other options, and we came up with a new plan of attack.  I don't feel like I should be sharing that here, but I feel really good about things.  I'm pretty sure things will get a bit worse before they get better, but I'm feeling better.  I'm still working on having the faith I need, but some days are really good.  Sure, there are still hard days, but I'm still having some hope.  Thanks to all of you for caring and keeping me in your prayers.  I love you all! ~

I Don't Know Where This Came From

Recently I have been thinking about serious things.  Oh, wait, that would be funny if it wasn't true.  Cause this is all just crazy stuff.

I have been thinking about these:

Ears are crazy things.  Really.  Think about it.  Some funny shaped skin and then we can hear?  Who came up with that plan?  And some people have really, really, funny looking ears.  I have a theory about that.  I don't think people know what their ears look like.  Have you ever really looked at your ears?  Cause my eyes just plain aren't able to go there.  I guess I've probably glanced at them when I've used mirrors to look at the back of my head, but I've never really noticed.  Wow.  I could have totally freakish ears and not even know it.  What kind of friends are you?  You never told me about my freakish ears?  Wait... never mind.  I can't afford any sort of plastic surgery, so we'll just play ignorance.  That way, if anyone ever asks me about my freakish ears, I can play stupid.  Thank you all for protecting me.

I was watching a movie the other day, and I noticed that the main character had totally mis-matched ears.  Really, they were completely different.  I know that we aren't supposed to be symmetrical.  So, that's all cool and stuff.  It's just strange.  

I guess I never think about ears too much.  Mine are pretty lousy, too much drumming, not enough ear plugs.  As a result I pretty much need to be facing people when I talk.  I do a lot of lip reading.  Some people are totally into earrings.  I think they look nice and all, but they aren't really my thing.  That may be because I don't have pierced ears.  I do have 3 pairs of screw back earrings though.  They are pretty cool.  But they are all really sparkle-y and all that.  Sometimes I'm into sparkles but most of the time I'm a plain Jane.

Not sure where I'm going with this.  Ears.  They're pretty cool.

Avoiding the Whale

Dear Friends,

So... remember back when I was funny?  Yeah, maybe those days will come again.  But today is not one of those days.  Today I need a little bit of advice.

Life's been pretty rough for the past month.  The hard part is, in many ways, rather than getting better, it's getting harder.  Here's the thing.  I have had many very significant experiences with Heavenly Father.  He has answered my prayers in many ways, ways that I think are impossible to misinterpret.  (For example, the day I chose to give up, and just walk away from my problem, I went to a fireside and Robert D. Hales spoke.  His topic was having faith through our trials and never giving up.  How else could I interpret that?) Through all of this, I have come to know that He is VERY aware of me, and I am oh, so grateful for that.  The problem is, He has told me things that seem perfectly impossible.  I know He's a God of miracles, and I see miracles in my life, but this one really, really big miracle that He's told me will happen just seems like it's too big of a job.

How have you dealt with something like this?  I have no problem believe in miracles in other people's lives.  I know that they happen.  And I've heard about a miracle that happened in my life.  But I was only 6 weeks old, so I don't remember it at all.

I guess... Well, Heavenly Father has asked me to do a lot of things.  He told me where to go to college, he asked me to go on a mission, he asked me to move to Texas, he asked me to move back.  Some of those things were very scary, and I didn't understand them.  I didn't know if I could really do them.  But I had faith, so I moved forward and did what I was asked.  And they all worked out.

What he has asked of me now is the hardest thing yet.  It hurts.  Every day I question the answers I've been given.  I've had people tell me that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be unhappy, so why would he be asking this of me.  But he has.  And it doesn't make sense.  It's not easy.  I don't have perfect control.  When I was told to go on a mission, I started working on papers.  I had control over it.  Sure, I had to be living a good life, and pass all of the interviews, but I had control.  I don't have any control over this.  I just know the idea of what I need to do, but not how to do it.  And it really involves someone else who, to my knowledge, hasn't asked or received the same answers.  They don't want the same answers either.

So, what do I do?  How to I find the balance between having faith in something so hard, that I just can't see?  It's not logical, and right now, I don't even really want it.  It would be so much easier to just turn around and walk away.  That way my heart wouldn't have to break, over and over.  But I know what I've been told.  How do I have hope, and faith in something that seems so impossible?  How do I come to believe in miracles in my own life?

My dear sister, L7 bought me a book.  It's called Believing Christ.  So far it's good.  But it's mostly about believing in the Atonement to cover your sins.  I know I'm not perfect, but I don't really question that.  There have been some things that have really touched me in the book, but I'm not quite there.

Don't think I'm questioning the Gospel.  I'm not.  I'm just questioning my ability to do this.  So, dear friends and family, how have you done it?  Because I don't want to give up.  When the Lord tells you something and you do something else, you get swallowed by a whale.  That would be a total bummer.

Ok, so the big question is:  How do you have faith in the impossible?  How do you get yourself to believe in the illogical?  And how do you find the strength go keep going when everything else around you is telling you to just move on?

"If you are helpless, He is not.  If you are lost, He is not.  If you don't know what to do next, He knows.  It would take a miracle, you say?  Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?" ~ Boyd K. Packer, Conference Report October 1970

Coming Out Of The Rain

Here I am, rocking out with CRH in Texas.  She's pretty great.  She and the Texan have been kind enough to take me in when I felt the need to flee the state I'm living in to run away from my problems.  Yes, I am very aware that running away from my problems won't make them even a little bit better, but it's been kind of nice to try to ignore things.  Granted, I can't really ignore them, and I have probably been doing a lot more thinking than one would care to admit.  It's just that I'm alone during the day, and that gives way to lots of pondering.

Today it was raining.  That is not at all unusual for Texas in the spring.  It rains often, and it rains hard.  CRH was kind enough to let me drive her car around today, so I needed to pick her up from work.  As I left her house to go to her place of employment, it was raining pretty hard.  An interesting thing sometimes happens when it rains in Texas.  When I looked right above me I could see white puffy clouds and blue sky.  And yet, it was raining.  And it kept raining.  The closer I got to CRH's work, the better the weather got.

I remember thinking this was a strange occurrence back when I lived in Texas.  It seems so odd to be driving through rain when the sky looks so blue.  Yes, there were dark clouds around me, but they weren't right over me.  (If any of you are real weather experts, you're probably thinking that there had to be dark clouds right over me, but I swear they weren't.)  The best part was the fact that I was able to drive out of the storm.

Now I'm going to go all philosophical on you.  It's seemed for the past while that I am driving in the sun, yet being rained on.  I'm doing all that I can, and yet the rain still comes.  I often have glimpses of real sunlight and dry conditions but I keep finding myself in the storm.

For example, Friday I was able to spend some time with a friend.  I know him from where I live, but he happened to be in Texas this weekend as well.  We've never done anything together, but we decided to bond while here.  We spent quite a bit of time with his family.  And it was great.  They were all sorts of kind and accepting right from the beginning.  I had a genuinely nice time.  You're all thinking that this is the sun shiny time of life, aren't you?  And yet, it's not.  As I drove home that night, I cried quite a bit.  You see, despite all of the awful things that Scuttle has said, and done in the past 8 weeks, I still love him.  That makes me seem crazy.  I've spent a lot of time praying, and fasting, and attending the temple.  Despite what I want, I've been told that I need to keep trying, and I need to be Scuttles friend.  So I'm doing as I can.  Sometimes that is being made very difficult.  It's impossible to be close to someone who is constantly doing all they can to push you away.  When I was with this friend in Texas, I just kept thinking, "Hmm, he's a nice chap.  Maybe I should try to flirt it up with him.  He's nice, his family is nice, why not?"  This is a logical thought really.  There wasn't anything truly wrong with that.  And yet there really was.

Why would I flirt when I've been told that I should keep trying?  Going and doing something fun with a friend is totally ok.  There is nothing wrong with that.  The problem arose when I decided I wanted to go against the counsel given to me previously.  Yes, things are hard.  Yes, I don't see how things could ever work out.  This is when I need to work on faith.  Faith in what the Lord has promised.  Faith in the answers I have been given.  Because history has shown that when you keep asking for something different than what you've been told, it doesn't turn out very well.  (Think Martin Harris)

When I do as I'm told, despite the hardship, I can walk around in the sun.  Unfortunately, like an idiot, I chose to sit in the rain.  Let's be honest, I can quite enjoy a nice dance in the rain.  Gene Kelly totally rocks my knee-highs.  But this is no singing and dancing in the rain moment.  This is more sitting outside, no umbrella, it's cold, and I could go inside, yet I choose to sit and mope in the wetness.  Why do we as people do this to ourselves?  When we follow the instruction given to us, we are happier.  We can have faith.  When we try to forge our own path, we end up sitting in the rain and having no fun.

My choice:  To drive out of the rain.  Just as I drove out of the rain when I went to get CRH.  It's hard, and I know sometimes I'll probably end up back in the rain, but I need to work harder to just keep myself out of it.  To stop looking at what I think I want, and figure out how to want what I've been given.  It's a process.

Does any of this make sense?  Probably not.  I'm kind of rambling.  My brain is a pretty scary place.  It doesn't often make sense.  Despite the fact that figuring this out is hard, and scary, I'm pretty determined.  Life doesn't really come with an umbrella, so I'll just have to get myself out of the rain.