Monday, November 29, 2010

Driving 101

So, I recently moved (recently as in almost 3 months ago) to a new state.  As a result, I need to get a new driver's license.  Soon.  As in I think if I don't get it this week then I'll have to pay a nasty fee.  I better get on that.  But really, do I have to know what the ok blood alcohol level is?  Can't I just say it's 0%?  Cause that's what it should be!  Yeah, I need to take that test.

Anyway, really this is about me venting.  You see, I have read the manual.  I know the laws.  So, let me teach you all.

For example, let's talk about a four way stop.  The first person to get to the stop sign gets to go first.  It's not based on how long you have been waiting.  I'm sorry that your line of cars had about 10 when you approached the stop sign, and mine only had 2.  That means I got to the stop sign before you.  So you don't get to go next!  Your side just went.  You don't get 2 cars in a row.  I know this is sad, but it's the law.  So stick it.

Round a bouts (I don't actually know how to spell that...)  I've lived in a lot of busy cities.  I get how to use these.  You don't.  You see, the speed limit is 15 mph.  That means that really, if we were all going the speed limit, 4 cars could safely enter at the same time.  This is what makes this an effective traffic control device.  But you see, when you enter the round about at 30 mph, it just makes it so no one else can go.  Thus ensuring that your line of 39 cars all get to go before anyone else.  And that's just rude.

So please friends, stop driving like you have been.  (PS, this is really to the locals here... and that involves exactly 2 of you, and I'm not talking about you 2, so no one should be offended about this)

And wish me luck on my driver's test!

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Little Bit of Everything

Hey, Yo's.

So, firstly, some serious stuff.  I was perusing around the internet today (Perusing... that is a great word that I never use, I may have to integrate it into my world.) and I found an article.  It can be seen here.  I think this kind of best describes how I feel sometimes.  I think my favorite part is when the author asks "Why do we have to put a spin on it?"  I totally feel that way!  I mean, yeah, I know I've said some of the things that she says not to say.  I've said them this past week.  About myself.  But I don't really believe them.  My favorite thing though, is how SO many people like to quote statistics to me.  Great.  I know that miscarriages are common.  But honestly, just because Jr didn't get to come visit me in real life, doesn't make him any less real.  I loved him, and he will always be part of my heart.  And telling me it's common doesn't make it any easier.  I mean, really, lots of people have had their mom die.  (I LOVE YOU MOM!!)  Are you going to tell someone that to make them feel better?  "Oh, your mom died?  Well that's sad.  But it happens a lot."  Wow... Feeling so much better.

It's snowing a lot.  I actually like snow for the first month.  The problem here is though, all of the wind!  I mean, really, if the snow wasn't blowing all over the place, there probably wouldn't be that much.  But it's blowing.  And blowing.  As in, we could give Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery day a run for ... his?  its?  their?  Whatever's money.  So I'm not really excited to drive to work tomorrow.  On clear days it's a 35 min drive.  Tomorrow, it may be the drive of eternity.  Pack your water folks, and don't forget the potty break, it's going to be a long one!  (For example, it took Hod 90 min to drive home today... then again, I have mad snow driving skills, so I bet I can blow his time out of the water!!!! ... Not that it's a contest...)

It's late.  And I should be asleep.  And yet I'm wide awake and actually feeling happier right now than I have for weeks.  Apparently exhaustion makes me happy.  Which is strange, cause normally it just makes me beastly.  Seriously.  I'm an ornery tired person.  I also think I would be an ornery drunk.  Which is why we are SO glad I'm active LDS and happy about it.  There is a severe lack of drugs in me.  Well, actually that's a lie right now.  The Dr put me on all sorts of meds.  And I'm taking them.  What is it about a D&C that makes you feel fine for the first few days and then feel like someone has reached up inside of you and is trying to rip you apart using the dullest knife ever invented for the next few days.  Hmm... sharing penalty?

So, I like juice.  We have it a lot.  It's a healthy choice and good for... my insides.  (What, it totally is!)  But I'm strange.  I like cold things.  Milk must be cold.  Ice cream, must be cold.  My pillowcase must be cold.  Juice, must not be cold.  Which doesn't really work, cause once you open it, you have to keep in in the fridge. As a result, every time I drink juice I pour it and then wait 20 min for it to warm up.  It's a hard life.

Hod just accidentally mixed milk and juice.  That's gross.

I'm fish sitting this week.  Hello fishy friend!  (HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY!  I always wanted to go fishing and see if that actually works.)

And on that note... I think I better go bed.  (I almost typed back to bed, and then I realized that I haven't made it to bed yet.  I have issues.)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello friends!  So, since I have brought all of you with me on this little trip, how about I tell you all about what happened?

First of all, I did end up having surgery yesterday.  (What did you do yesterday?)

Let's talk about how I feel about this.
-Negative side:
   1. This means I am no longer pregnant.  I lost the baby.  This is very sad.  Cause I loved this little one.  And besides a few ultrasound photos that made my baby resemble some sort of alien creature, that is all I'll ever have.

+Positive side:
   1.  Heavenly Father has been helping me a lot.  I don't know why this had to happen.  But I know it's his plan. That doesn't stop the sadness, but it does make it somehow ok.
   2.  Growing closer with Hod.  This has been really hard.  Because Hod and I are living in this city hours away from family, we haven't had anyone else to turn to.  So, even though it's been rough, we are closer.
   3.  Being done with this issue.  Really.  I have been worrying, and stressing, and doing everything I could to keep this baby, knowing that there wasn't anything I could or couldn't do.
   4.   *WARNING, BIG SHARING PENALTY AHEAD*   though I haven't been bleeding for the past 3 weeks, I have had what we have named the brown mucus of death.  Instead of blood, this has been coming out.  There are some theories that I at one point was pregnant with twins.  If that is true, I actually had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago.  And my body has been decomposing Jr. #1 for weeks.  Hence the smell of death coming from me on a constant basis.  Which is really not fair when you have a pregnant nose so every time you use the restroom you smell death.

So, to recap... This has been sad.  But Hod and I both agree that we are glad it's over.  We have been so stressed about all of this for a month.  And now, we're done.

Surgery was fine.  I was completely unconscious.  There were no complications.  I felt wonderful yesterday, I took some ibuprofen last night before I went to bed, because I've been told that the pain comes a while after the surgery.  So I took some just to make sure I could rest well.  There wasn't any pain last night, and there hasn't been any today.  I'm pretty tired, but I feel great.  My mom came up to be with me because we didn't know how I would be, and really, it was kind of like just having a fun sleepover with my mom.  And I had an excuse to be a little lazy.  That's kind of nice.

So dear friends.  I'm good.  I've gotten a lot of comfort from the one true place you can get it.  And life is good.  Thank you for all of your prayers, I know they have helped.  But know that I'm good.  This will all be fine.  I love you all!

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Ok.  I have serious needs of buckets right now.  Let me tell you a story.

As all ya'll know, my life is really hard right now.  We'll know for sure tomorrow, but the changes that my body had been making when it became pregnant have been reversing.  I am 99% sure that I am going to be having surgery in the next short while.  This is being very hard for Hod and I.  Some days are better than others.  Today was a particularly hard day.  It has been hard enough that I have spent multiple hours crying.  Most of you know that is a really big deal for me.

As a result of this trial, I'm struggling to do anything extra.  I mean, I go to the three hours of church, but today just doing that was hard.  I just don't have anything else to give.

There is a kind woman who invited me to do something extra.  It's something that I have plans to do, I just can't right now.  But Hod has been participating in this extra thing.  I know it's not perfect, but that is what we are able to do.  I didn't really want to tell this person why I wasn't able to do extra.  But she just kept pushing.  Hod participating just isn't enough.  They really need me.  So I apologized and said that my life is just really hard right now, and that I would do it when I could.  I was then informed that nothing is more important that this extra event.

So, lacking in charity, my response went something like this:  "Actually, I'm in the middle of a really bad miscarriage that is going to require surgery.  I'm doing the best I can, I just don't have anything else I can give right now."  It shut her up.  I should probably feel bad, but I don't.  I tried to be nice, I told her I'd help when I could.  And yet I was judged.  You don't know my life.  You don't know what is going on.  You don't know me!

I was and apparently am pretty bitter.

Monday, November 8, 2010

It's my 100th post

Hey friends!

Sorry it's been so long.  I realized that my next post was going to be my 100th.  So I wanted to post something super cool!  I waited, and waited for something super cool, and it didn't come.  Instead you get this.  It is maybe super cool.

*WARNING*  This post could incur sharing penalties.  You have been warned.

I say maybe, cause I don't know if it's really happening.

First, I need to apologize to L1-L3.  You see, I'm probably pregnant.  One day, Hod and I decided to tell everyone.  Before I got to everyone I ended up in the emergency room.  I was possibly miscarrying.  As a result, I didn't really want to call anyone and tell them that I was pregnant.  That was Oct 23rd.  In the ER they took my blood so they could check hormone levels.  Then by checking them again on Monday they could know if I was miscarrying or not by how the levels changed.  On Monday I went back to the doctor.  They took my blood, and tested it, but because my ER visit was so late, it hadn't been a full 48 hours.  The numbers went up, but not enough.  We decided to blame time and try again.  Oct 29th they took my blood again.  Saturday they called me and said "Well, your levels are doubling appropriately, so it seems you're ok."  Through all of this, no one has told me why I'm bleeding so much.  I'm just told to wait and we'll see.

Hod and I have been trying to be positive, but we've still be so unsure.  But today we had an ultrasound.  This will answer all of our questions, right??  Yeah, that was our hope.  Here's what we know now.  I am 8 weeks along.  However, I'm only measuring at 6 weeks.  There is a baby inside of me, with a beating heart, but the heart is beating very slow.  Now, if I am really actually only at 6 weeks then this could be fine.  The heart is normally really slow at 6 weeks.  And we don't know for sure when I actually ovulated because I was just coming off of birth control and that messes everything up.  There is also a "spot of bleeding" or something like that.  This is a problem.  They are wondering if the placenta was too aggressive, and if that is what is the problem.  The Dr isn't sure what is going on.  At this time, he is leaning towards miscarriage.  Still.  Even though I got to see the baby.  Even though the heart is beating.  Even though I am doing everything right.

Now, one thing that I have to tell myself over and over, is what the Dr told me today.  He said that if I have been living a normal life, and not doing certain things (Which I haven't been) then there is no way that I could have been having a normal pregnancy and I messed it up.  It's just kind of a natural selection type of thing.

So, It's not my fault.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  Even though we've been waiting for 2 weeks, wondering, praying, stressing, not sleeping, we still don't know.  They have ordered another ultrasound for next week.  If things continue to look bad then we'll have a decision to make.  Wait it out when there is no hope, not knowing what will happen, OR surgery.  Basically choose to have an abortion because the baby will not live to full term and will not develop right.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, but some days it's hard.  I mean, really, I'm 26.  And I'm LDS.  I'm already way behind in the whole start a family thing.  I don't want to be set back again.  I don't want to lose the baby.  I love this child.  And through it all, there is nothing I can do.  But wait.

So, I'll put on my happy face.  I'll get in my car and drive through the snow and go to work.  I'll do what I can to serve others and think of them.  And the entire time I will pray that our baby will be able to stay with us.  That's all I can do.

Sorry to be a downer, but there's my life.  My 100th post.  Big news... and not.