Life Goes On

Today, at work, when I finally figured out what day it was, I had this little bell go off in the back of my mind.  I worried that I was supposed to do something today, and I had forgotten.  But, I was at work, so I just pushed that to the side.

Around 7:00 this evening, I remembered.

Today was supposed to be my due date.

Part of me says that's totally fine, because I'm pregnant now.  As far as I know, everything is great with this baby.  I'm so glad that I have this today, so I'm not as sad.

The other part of me says that I'm a jerk for forgetting.  How could one forget her own child?  I feel like a bad mom for forgetting about my angel baby.

For those of you who don't remember, I actually miscarried for about a month before we knew for sure.  I bled for a month before we had an ultrasound.  There I was able to see my baby's heartbeat.  But it was slow.  The Dr. suggested we wait a week to see if things would be ok, and then make a decision.  The next week the heartbeat was gone, and I went into surgery the next day.  Because I had been bleeding for so long, and because there was a large mystery spot on the ultrasound, the Dr. wonders if I miscarried twins.  Just that I had miscarried one so much earlier that almost all signs of that baby were gone.  It's hard not knowing for sure.

A few days before the first ultrasound, I was very worried.  Part of me knew something was wrong.  Hod didn't believe me.  I'm not sure if that is just because he didn't want to, or if it was because he just thought I was paranoid.  Either way, he bought me a gift to make me feel better.  We are big fans of the Willow Tree figurines.  Hod gave me this:

It's called "Cherish"

It really means a lot to me.  This is the one way I was able to hold my baby.  To my knowledge, in this life at least, this is the only way I will ever hold my baby.  Though that was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through, I will always cherish that pregnancy.  I learned a lot from it.  It helped Hod and I to communicate better.

I've heard a lot of things about what happens when a woman miscarries, and what happens to that child.  I don't doubt at all the revelation some friends have received when they have gone through it.  However, I have not received any of the same.  So, I just don't know.

But life goes on.  I'm pregnant again.  I am positive that this baby is not the child I miscarried.  Right now, I am the mother of 2 (or maybe 3) children.  I pray every day that in 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound that everything will be great.  I saw this baby's heartbeat at 7 weeks, and everything looked good.  I hope it still is.  

I guess it really is ok to go days at a time without thinking about my first baby.  But I will always love that child.  And I am grateful to have another baby coming, so I could spend the day working, and being happy and productive.  I will always cherish the short time I had with my first.  However, I am excited for the time I have had, and will have with my second.

A Little Bit of Everything

Hey, Yo's.

So, firstly, some serious stuff.  I was perusing around the internet today (Perusing... that is a great word that I never use, I may have to integrate it into my world.) and I found an article.  It can be seen here.  I think this kind of best describes how I feel sometimes.  I think my favorite part is when the author asks "Why do we have to put a spin on it?"  I totally feel that way!  I mean, yeah, I know I've said some of the things that she says not to say.  I've said them this past week.  About myself.  But I don't really believe them.  My favorite thing though, is how SO many people like to quote statistics to me.  Great.  I know that miscarriages are common.  But honestly, just because Jr didn't get to come visit me in real life, doesn't make him any less real.  I loved him, and he will always be part of my heart.  And telling me it's common doesn't make it any easier.  I mean, really, lots of people have had their mom die.  (I LOVE YOU MOM!!)  Are you going to tell someone that to make them feel better?  "Oh, your mom died?  Well that's sad.  But it happens a lot."  Wow... Feeling so much better.

It's snowing a lot.  I actually like snow for the first month.  The problem here is though, all of the wind!  I mean, really, if the snow wasn't blowing all over the place, there probably wouldn't be that much.  But it's blowing.  And blowing.  As in, we could give Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery day a run for ... his?  its?  their?  Whatever's money.  So I'm not really excited to drive to work tomorrow.  On clear days it's a 35 min drive.  Tomorrow, it may be the drive of eternity.  Pack your water folks, and don't forget the potty break, it's going to be a long one!  (For example, it took Hod 90 min to drive home today... then again, I have mad snow driving skills, so I bet I can blow his time out of the water!!!! ... Not that it's a contest...)

It's late.  And I should be asleep.  And yet I'm wide awake and actually feeling happier right now than I have for weeks.  Apparently exhaustion makes me happy.  Which is strange, cause normally it just makes me beastly.  Seriously.  I'm an ornery tired person.  I also think I would be an ornery drunk.  Which is why we are SO glad I'm active LDS and happy about it.  There is a severe lack of drugs in me.  Well, actually that's a lie right now.  The Dr put me on all sorts of meds.  And I'm taking them.  What is it about a D&C that makes you feel fine for the first few days and then feel like someone has reached up inside of you and is trying to rip you apart using the dullest knife ever invented for the next few days.  Hmm... sharing penalty?

So, I like juice.  We have it a lot.  It's a healthy choice and good for... my insides.  (What, it totally is!)  But I'm strange.  I like cold things.  Milk must be cold.  Ice cream, must be cold.  My pillowcase must be cold.  Juice, must not be cold.  Which doesn't really work, cause once you open it, you have to keep in in the fridge. As a result, every time I drink juice I pour it and then wait 20 min for it to warm up.  It's a hard life.

Hod just accidentally mixed milk and juice.  That's gross.

I'm fish sitting this week.  Hello fishy friend!  (HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY!  I always wanted to go fishing and see if that actually works.)

And on that note... I think I better go bed.  (I almost typed back to bed, and then I realized that I haven't made it to bed yet.  I have issues.)

What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello friends!  So, since I have brought all of you with me on this little trip, how about I tell you all about what happened?

First of all, I did end up having surgery yesterday.  (What did you do yesterday?)

Let's talk about how I feel about this.
-Negative side:
   1. This means I am no longer pregnant.  I lost the baby.  This is very sad.  Cause I loved this little one.  And besides a few ultrasound photos that made my baby resemble some sort of alien creature, that is all I'll ever have.

+Positive side:
   1.  Heavenly Father has been helping me a lot.  I don't know why this had to happen.  But I know it's his plan. That doesn't stop the sadness, but it does make it somehow ok.
   2.  Growing closer with Hod.  This has been really hard.  Because Hod and I are living in this city hours away from family, we haven't had anyone else to turn to.  So, even though it's been rough, we are closer.
   3.  Being done with this issue.  Really.  I have been worrying, and stressing, and doing everything I could to keep this baby, knowing that there wasn't anything I could or couldn't do.
   4.   *WARNING, BIG SHARING PENALTY AHEAD*   though I haven't been bleeding for the past 3 weeks, I have had what we have named the brown mucus of death.  Instead of blood, this has been coming out.  There are some theories that I at one point was pregnant with twins.  If that is true, I actually had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago.  And my body has been decomposing Jr. #1 for weeks.  Hence the smell of death coming from me on a constant basis.  Which is really not fair when you have a pregnant nose so every time you use the restroom you smell death.

So, to recap... This has been sad.  But Hod and I both agree that we are glad it's over.  We have been so stressed about all of this for a month.  And now, we're done.

Surgery was fine.  I was completely unconscious.  There were no complications.  I felt wonderful yesterday, I took some ibuprofen last night before I went to bed, because I've been told that the pain comes a while after the surgery.  So I took some just to make sure I could rest well.  There wasn't any pain last night, and there hasn't been any today.  I'm pretty tired, but I feel great.  My mom came up to be with me because we didn't know how I would be, and really, it was kind of like just having a fun sleepover with my mom.  And I had an excuse to be a little lazy.  That's kind of nice.

So dear friends.  I'm good.  I've gotten a lot of comfort from the one true place you can get it.  And life is good.  Thank you for all of your prayers, I know they have helped.  But know that I'm good.  This will all be fine.  I love you all!

A New Name

Dear Friends!

So... life's been interesting.  Here's the story.  I am officially 100% done with Scuttle.  We had a very nice chat yesterday, and we both had come to the same conclusion.  I truly hope that we can be dear friends, because I will always care about him.  He has some amazing qualities.

But on to the next part of life... I have a new friend now.  He is actually one of Scuttle's friends.  (Oh the scandal!)  We like each other and have decided to date.  He is such a good man.  He treats me like a queen, honors his Priesthood, and makes me laugh a lot.  Good times, yo.  The only problem is:  what do I call him?  Before Scuttle, I would talk about scuttles.  I thought that just making it a real name was a great idea.  But now what do I do?  Do I just pretend Scuttle the 1st never happened so I can call Scuttle the 2nd, Scuttle?  That just seems confusing.  And I don't really want to pretend Scuttle the 1st never happened, cause there were some great times.  But Scuttle the 2nd just takes too long.  So here are some options:

Brazier: it seems like a cool name... but it's also a way that I would probably try to spell an item of women's clothing.

Hod:  Simple, easy to spell, but makes me think of HUD.  That's a word that L7 got me saying that is kind of the equivalent of Blast... so it may be a bad idea.

Cask:  One of my favorite options, but it is usually used to hold alcoholic drinks.  That does put a damper on it.  So, what do you think?  Any good ideas?  I'm totally open to other suggestions.

Thanks, yo's.

Paily

'Till The Meat Is Gone

Last night was a good night!  I went to dinner with my roomie (Whom L7 has told me I should call Ska-link-a-lot or SLAL for short) and her cousins.  I wondered if this would be awkward for me... Crashing the family dinner and all, but it was great!

We went to a new place in my town and it was all about the meat and the music.  I know, random, but that's what it was.  We were able to sit at this great tall table, and just laugh all night.  They have 30 different kinds of Rood Beer there.  The one I chose even had extract of sassafras in it.  I guess that is a normal ingredient in real Root Beer.  Who knew?  I just think it's cool to say I had a drink with sassafras in it.  I've been told that I can be quite the sassafras.  Anyway, it was a great drink.

We had a great waiter.  We shall call him Chuck.  Mostly because that is a cut of meat, and really, it was all about the meat.  Chuck was fun, and quite attentive.  Even when I was weird and had him go get me some of their wing sauce.  I've just been craving Buffalo wings for 2 years now.  I'm on a search, but I'm also cheap.  So I try the sauce and see if it's close before I order wings.  This wasn't it.  At one point, we asked Chuck what his name was.  He told us to call him Julio or something like that, and then he tossed his name tag at us.  SLAL tossed it in a little box on our table and he walked away.

Let's be honest.  Chuck was quite the attractive fellow.  According to CRH flirting with a waiter is a perfectly acceptable way to help yourself get over a break up.  So, I did.  At least that's what SLAL says.  I never know when I'm flirting.  But she said I did quite nicely.  I decided to wear Chuck's name tag.  Why not?  I put it on, and he came over, and didn't notice.  This happened all night.  I'm just sitting there with a name tag on, enjoying my brisket and laughing with the girls.  The laughter may have increased quite a bit when one cousin tried to impale herself in the forehead with a straw.

Through the course of the evening, it became apparent that Chuck wasn't going to come back for his name tag.  So I hatched a plan.  SLAL was totally on board with me.  The plan was to steal the name tag.  Then on our receipt leave a ransom note with my phone number to get it back.  Yes, I was in a very crazy mood.  Chuck was cute, and I'm single, so why not?  I have a previous potential scuttle who was a waiter.  So I asked him if that would be creepy.  He told me to go for it.  That was the master plan!  I got pretty nervous, but decided it was going to happen.

But it didn't.  He finally remembered his name tag.  Chuck couldn't find his name tag once he tried.  Really, he looked all over the table, he looked high, he looked low, but he never looked at our shirts.  Once we told him where it was, he commented that he doesn't look at ladies in that location.  Oh, Chuck is a nice guy.  Because I was no longer in possession of the name tag, I chickened out.  But that's ok.  There are much better ways to meet men.  And it wouldn't have been fair to Chuck, cause it totally would have been a rebound date.  But I did discover that flirting with a waiter is a lot of fun!

In Need Of Assistance

Dear Friends,

This is totally not a happy post.  I need your help.  It looks like dear Scuttle and I are done.  Not my choice.  I've been doing a lot of research, and apparently breaking up with someone that you truly love is comparable to death.  Only in this case, it can be worse, because you will keep seeing said person around, still giving you a glimmer of hope, and/or reminding you of what you lost.  The fact is, I lost something great.  I know I wasn't perfect, but it was a learning experience for both of us.  But if one party decided it's not worth the effort, what can the other person do?  So, really, I just need your prayers.  Really, really badly.  Talking doesn't make it better, I have no appetite, so please, don't make me cookies.  Eating just makes me nauseous.  Oh, I'm not becoming anorexic or anything.  I'm just eating less.  But judging by the squish still going on here, I'm not in any harm.  The good news is, I've taken up running.  It's good, because it's better than trying to drown my sorrows in cookie dough.  I didn't know that I could go from couch potato to running 30 min straight.  But that's what I do. And it exhausts me enough that I can finally sleep.  Well, yesterday I only was able to run for 20 min, but today it was 30.  So I'll keep moving up.  Keep waking up, and keep moving on.  It's only been 2 days, and it will only get better, right?  That's what I keep telling myself.  It will all be ok.  I can get through this.  Sorry to those of you who are just finding out like this.  I'm not any good at calling people to tell them.  Just typing this makes me start to cry again.  How lame is this!  I don't know why I'm blogging about this.  I mean, please, do send some prayers my way.  I've been really depressed before, and I really don't want to go there again.  But maybe by blogging, it will help me really say goodbye.  I need to not hope.  And someday, when I hear a text on my phone, I'll stop having a glimmer of hope that it's him.  Because it's not.  And it's not going to be.  But I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me.  He won't leave me alone.  For that I am so grateful.  I love you all, and thank you for your love and support.  The good news is, The Church is still true!  At least that will never let me down.

As President Gordon B. Hinckley said:  It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  It all works out.  Don't worry.  I say that to myself every morning.  It will all work out.  If you do your best, it will all work out.  Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future.  The Lord will not forsake us.  He will not forsake us. ... If we put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will Hear our prayers.
        Priesthood Session of Jordan Utah South Regional Conference, March 1, 1997.

The best thing you can do is just keep busy, keep working hard, so you're not dwelling on it all the time.  Work is the best antidote for sorrow.  

         Discussing the death of his wife with Larry King, 2004

Hugs all around,

Paily.