Saturday, April 30, 2011

Being Lazy

So, I was perusing around the internet today, and found a blog called Pregnant Chicken.  I'll be honest, sometimes it uses some inappropriate words.  But man, it's funny!  While reading today, I found a favorite post.  You can read the real version here.

I thought it was time for me to blog again, and yet I didn't really have anything I wanted to say.  Well, I do have something I would love to rant about, but I don't think my mother would approve, so I'm trying to hold it in.  Anyway, because I'm lazy, I just stole something great from someone else.  But it made me happy!

Because I try so hard to be a good little Mormon girl, I've pasted the text here with a small edit for less awkwardness.  Here you go!

Pregnancy Brain

Today's post has been brought to you by stark. raving. mad. mommy.
I love her for her wit, kick trash cowboy boots and her ability to poke the bear. She is the one I would have hidden behind in Junior High and screamed "yeah" as she told off the middle aged, creepy guy hanging over the fence to stop leering at us in gym.
She also saved my tooshy on Labour Day by writing a wicked post about labor (with no 'u').
This post is all about pregnancy brain which I totally had when I was pregnant and now I have Mommy Brain.
I chalk the Baby Brain up to hormones, and the Mommy Brain up to toddler water tourture but some people are lucky enough to escape both. To them I say, lucky......blast......what the was the word I was looking for? Doggy-do-do. Hang on a minute. It will come to me....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Today I placed my son’s glasses on top of the car, and drove off like that.  In all fairness, my hands were full – car keys, backpack, glasses, and belligerent autistic four-year-old who did not want to go to school.  I put the glasses down because I didn’t want them to break.  Awesome.

This is what we call Mommy Brain.  Mommy Brain accounts for all the things you mess up until senile dementia takes over.  Before Mommy Brain, there is Pregnancy Brain, which is actually worse.  Pregnancy Brain is caused by having gallons of progesterone floating around your body while trying to grow an entire human being in your body.  It’s like the craziest Sea Monkey science experiment evah, and it’s happening inside you.  It’s amazing you can even remember to get up in the morning.

Fortunately, Mother Nature takes over and ensures that you do the bare necessities – your body tells you urgently when it’s time to eat, sleep, and empty out the bladder, which is pretty much all you do during a pregnancy anyway.

However, because your brain is so busy telling you that you have to go #1 like a racehorse right this very second, it stops telling you other things.  Important things, which might affect your employment or your ability to function normally in society.

I had four children in the space of five years, so I pretty much have irretrievable brain damage at this point.  Possibly, when they’ve all gone off to college, I’ll be able to spark some new brain cells by doing lots of crossword puzzles.  Maybe I should start taking some of those souped-up “senior” vitamins (or “geezer pills,” as my parents call them) to try to stave off the inevitable dementia that’s coming my way.

During my first pregnancy, when I was still working, I forgot the email password I had had for months.  It was completely gone from my head, and had to be reset.  I didn’t do too many other stupid things at work because I was so busy throwing up during that pregnancy.

When I was pregnant the second time, I already had two-year-old twins.  I remember lying (on my left side, of course) on the couch, watching Blue’s Clues with my toddlers and being stumped.  Let me say it again: I was stumped by Blue’s Clues.  I was all, “dang, Blue, I have no. freaking. clue. what the heck you want.  Steve, you’re a freaking genius to figure out those fiendish clues.” *Paily's favorite paragraph*

That wasn’t my only proud moment.  During my pregnancies, I did all kinds of stupid stuff.  I showed up for an ultrasound appointment a day early, and an OB appointment a day late.   My daughters missed a swim lesson because I got lost on the way to the pool.  I still have no idea how that happened.

One of my friends is right now pregnant with her fifth girl.  Her oldest is only seven, so she’s been steeping in progesterone and prolactin for the better part of a decade now.  Her round ligaments and her brain are shot.  The other day she stood outside her house, attempting to open the door with her remote car door opener.  She just stood there, clicking and clicking, wondering why the door didn’t beep and unlock.  Poor thing.

My friend L. has the most entertaining Pregnancy Brain evah.  She completely loses the filter that stops you from saying the things you’re only supposed to say in your mind.  *Paily Edit, they SO could have been talking about me!!*

During her next pregnancy, in a meeting with several co-workers, including two company vice-presidents, someone commented on another person’s new haircut.  L. piped up with, “too bad you didn’t do something about those nose hairs.”

L.’s unfiltered mouth when she has Pregnancy Brain is so shocking and hilarious, I wish she would have more kids.  However, it’s astonishing she managed to keep her job through two pregnancies, so she’s decided to stop while she’s still employed.

The best thing you can do about Pregnancy Brain is to prioritize and then enjoy it.  Put sticky notes on everything so that you remember the essentials, then use Pregnancy Brain as the perfect excuse for pretty much anything you don’t feel like doing.  “Sorry, I forgot about that.  I have Pregnancy Brain.”
stark. raving. mad. mommy. blogs about parenting, insanity, and chaos at

Friday, April 22, 2011

Pregnancy Perk #2

(If you're looking for Pregnancy Perk #1, I didn't actually blog about it.  It's just the fact that I'm making a BABY!  Could that be any cooler?)

As most of you know, I am a bit squishy.  (I don't use the term "fat" that's derogatory. And gross.  It just makes me think of a bucket of Crisco, and I'm trying to feel good about myself.)  I've never been insanely "Biggest Loser" worthy squishy.  Just a bit.  But my dear Hod loves me and all of my squishy-ness.

One result of squishy-ness is what I refer to as the "Great Divide".  This is the part of my stomach where my pants sit, causing a section of squishy, a divide point, and another portion of squishy.  Come on, I know you know what I'm talking about.  It's something I've been self conscious about.  Any of you who have never experienced the "Great Divide" may be thinking that I just needed to buy bigger pants, and that may have been true at one point, but really, all of my pants were a little too big before I got pregnant, and the "Great Divide" was still there.  It is a mystery.

Which leads me to Pregnancy Perk #2.  The disappearance of the "Great Divide".  I realize what the counter at the top of my blog says, and yes, it's strange to be showing already.  It is very possible that this is all bloat.  (Although, Hod claims he can tell where baby is, because he found a firm spot.... let us just ignore the fact that the firm spot was my hip bone...)  But whatever the cause I am big enough now that the "Great Divide" is no more!  It makes me pretty happy.  And really, seeing as in many ways this is my second pregnancy (and I've heard you show faster the second time) and I'm actually slowly losing weight (I eat, just apparently not quite enough.  But the puking doesn't help either.) and genetically, I know my family, and we tend to be GINORMOUS by the end of things, I'm not surprised that I already look a bit pregnant.

So, at least for now, Goodbye "Great Divide".  I can't say that I'm going to miss you.  Thanks for the memories, or whatever, but thanks even more for leaving!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

My Current Obsession

Hello friends!

So, this last week I learned that I have a new obsession.  However, it is not a pleasant one.  Have you ever had something that you just can't stop yourself from doing, even though you know it's not a good idea?  I currently have this problem.  My newest obsession:  Road kill.

Hod and I went on a quick trip with his sister to go see his mom for her birthday.  (There was us, and her dog's cousin's, owner's, best-friend's, sister's, hairdresser)  I found that the entire drive there and back I couldn't stop myself from looking at the road kill.  Who does that?  I mean, really, because of Jr's prolonged stay I am pretty much always nauseous.  I'm pretty sure if you're struggling to keep your cookies down (not that I eat a lot of those, Jr doesn't like sugar) then the worst thing you can do is check out the decapitated animal on the side of the road.  And yet, that is exactly what I have been doing.  EVERY TIME.  And each time, I think to myself, "Self, this is a bad idea.  Look away!  Look away!"  However, the truth of what happens is my head turns, my eyes widen, and I take it all in.  Every last un-enjoyable detail.  I just can't help myself.

There is probably a pill I could take to stop it, but it's not safe for pregnant women, like EVERY OTHER MEDICINE ON THE PLANET so I just have to suffer through this malady as well.

All I can say is, if I wasn't getting a super cute kid out of this, it wouldn't be worth it.  (And YES my baby will be cute.  Do you really want to mess with me, and the hormones?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Just keep walkin' buddy!)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Seriously, Dudes?

With the great blessing of Jr taking a lengthly vacation in my uterus, (Ok, actually what Jr is doing is pretty hard work.) I have come upon a few challenges.  One of the more difficult has been prenatal vitamins.

After about 1 week of taking them, my body decided it was done.  It suddenly became impossible for me to swallow them.  If by some miracle I could get them to start the journey down my esophagus, before it's journey was complete, it would make a mad dash for freedom.  It didn't matter what time of day I took them, or the status of my stomach, all attempts ended in me running for the nearest bathroom.

So, we had to think outside of the box.  I've never been great at swallowing pills, so I wondered if chew-ables would work.  We bought some, and the very clear answer was that, no, they would never work for me.  I couldn't even try to swallow them before I was having violent reactions.

Back to the drawing board.  I discovered liquid prenatal vitamins.  These can be mixed with any liquid, and according to reviews, when mixed with juice, you couldn't even taste them.  Desperate for anything to help my baby form in a healthy way, I ordered some.

And then I waited.  And started checking labels.  Did you know that there are many cereals that have a ton of folic acid?  Because cereal and I have formed a great bond, and as of now, it is the one food that my body has never rejected, it became my main staple.  However, I have been SO tired!  I wondered if it was because I still wasn't getting enough of the right nutrients, and the few I have been getting were being stolen from me, and being used by Jr.

Then today, my vitamins came!  I was very excited.  So I opened the bottle, and I wasn't too impressed with the smell.  Being pregnant, I am quite sensitive to smells.  However, I have learned how to plug my nose.  Because I haven't found a way to "plug" my taste buds, good flavor is quite important to me.  I was quite eager to see if the liquid vitamin would hold up with all of the reviews.  I got my spoon so I could measure it and mix it in my juice.  I grabbed the bottle and started trying to pour it out.  I was greeted with a dark green, very thick, slime.


I mean, Hello!!! Do you really think that a woman who has turned to liquid prenatals is going to have a positive reaction to the possibility of eating slime?  What were they thinking?

Really, though, I had no choice.  It is not a perfect science yet, because it didn't really dissolve in my juice, so I had one very slime like swallow.  However, I can proudly say that I drank my vitamin over 30 minutes ago, and it is still inside of me.  This is a breakthrough.  But, I'm still not happy that I'm eating slime.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Never Thought I'd Say This...

I grew up in a house with 4 other women.  This means that for about 1 week a month, my Dad tried to work extra hours cause his house was full of crazy hormonal females.  And we were all very different.  One sister cried a lot, one sister yelled a lot, one sister just looked ticked all the time, and my dear Mom tried to be patient with all of us while she was feeling a bit emotional as well.  (Ok, it probably wasn't that bad, but as a young teen, it was rough!)  I was always the snappy one.  I'd be all happy and fine, and then someone would tell me they liked my blue shoes better than my red ones and I'd snap!  It was no good.

Not every month was bad.  Sometimes I was totally fine.  And after almost 16 years of this monthly occurrence  (yeah, do the math, don't you feel bad for me?)  I feel like I had all PMS symptoms fairly under control.  I'm sure Hod would admit some months weren't the best, but comparatively, I thought I did well.

I'm sad to say, I want the PMS back.

Oh, did I mention that I shouldn't have PMS for another 33 weeks?  That's because my family is growing!  Hod and I are very excited.

However, through this, I really would like the PMS back.  And let me tell you why.  When I realized I was being ornery and dumb, I knew it was going to be over in a few days.  This hormonal orneryness is going to go on for quite a while.  Don't get me wrong, after the last pregnancy that ended in heartbreak and surgery, I am SO glad to be going through this.  That is why I have been able to smile while I am throwing up.  This is such a blessing.  But some days I just plain can't control the ornery!  And it's over the dumbest things!  For example, Hod called me tonight to tell me he was off of work.  I like to talk to him, and I like to know when he leaves so I can know when he should be home so I can start worrying.  We are currently not living in the same house (but only for 3 more days!!!!!!!!) but I still like him to call me.  I am living with my parents, and they live in a black hole of really bad cell phone service.  So, Hod calls me, and I can't hear him.  I hang up, and grab my parent's home phone.  It has free long distance, and then I don't have to worry about losing contact with my dear hubby.  Before I could start dialing, Hod called me back on my cell. 

There is nothing wrong with that.  I mean, really, Hod was trying to talk to me, because he knows that I miss him.  And yet, the anger that welled up inside of me because he hadn't waited for me to call him on the land line (which I hadn't told him I was going to do) is completely crazy.  The good news is, I calmed down quickly.  But why am I angry?  Because of all of the STUPID (and by stupid I mean hard for me to handle, and yet SO great because that means I am making a baby, and if you listen to the old wives tales it means Jr is healthy) hormones raging through my body.

All I know, is after November, Hod should get some sort of reward for dealing with me.  I hope I get this under control.  Seriously, friends.  It's bad enough that I tick myself off when I get mad.  That's just asking for a never ending cycle of annoyance.  So, thanks Hod, for dealing with the crazy that is your wife.  Hopefully the normal Paily will come back in about 7 more months.