Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Life Goes On

Today, at work, when I finally figured out what day it was, I had this little bell go off in the back of my mind.  I worried that I was supposed to do something today, and I had forgotten.  But, I was at work, so I just pushed that to the side.

Around 7:00 this evening, I remembered.

Today was supposed to be my due date.

Part of me says that's totally fine, because I'm pregnant now.  As far as I know, everything is great with this baby.  I'm so glad that I have this today, so I'm not as sad.

The other part of me says that I'm a jerk for forgetting.  How could one forget her own child?  I feel like a bad mom for forgetting about my angel baby.

For those of you who don't remember, I actually miscarried for about a month before we knew for sure.  I bled for a month before we had an ultrasound.  There I was able to see my baby's heartbeat.  But it was slow.  The Dr. suggested we wait a week to see if things would be ok, and then make a decision.  The next week the heartbeat was gone, and I went into surgery the next day.  Because I had been bleeding for so long, and because there was a large mystery spot on the ultrasound, the Dr. wonders if I miscarried twins.  Just that I had miscarried one so much earlier that almost all signs of that baby were gone.  It's hard not knowing for sure.

A few days before the first ultrasound, I was very worried.  Part of me knew something was wrong.  Hod didn't believe me.  I'm not sure if that is just because he didn't want to, or if it was because he just thought I was paranoid.  Either way, he bought me a gift to make me feel better.  We are big fans of the Willow Tree figurines.  Hod gave me this:
It's called "Cherish"

It really means a lot to me.  This is the one way I was able to hold my baby.  To my knowledge, in this life at least, this is the only way I will ever hold my baby.  Though that was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through, I will always cherish that pregnancy.  I learned a lot from it.  It helped Hod and I to communicate better.

I've heard a lot of things about what happens when a woman miscarries, and what happens to that child.  I don't doubt at all the revelation some friends have received when they have gone through it.  However, I have not received any of the same.  So, I just don't know.

But life goes on.  I'm pregnant again.  I am positive that this baby is not the child I miscarried.  Right now, I am the mother of 2 (or maybe 3) children.  I pray every day that in 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound that everything will be great.  I saw this baby's heartbeat at 7 weeks, and everything looked good.  I hope it still is.  

I guess it really is ok to go days at a time without thinking about my first baby.  But I will always love that child.  And I am grateful to have another baby coming, so I could spend the day working, and being happy and productive.  I will always cherish the short time I had with my first.  However, I am excited for the time I have had, and will have with my second.


Ricky and Sara Johnson said...

I can't believe it has been 9 months already. I miss you and I love you! I wish I was there to give you a great big hug!

Miss Nelson said...

Love you!!

Kenyon and Jeannette Petersen said...

Pretty much what you posted is exactly how I felt! I'm glad you're doing ok and have a good attitude about things! Let's get snow cones again soon please!

RMF said...

Joseph F. Smith said:
“…in the resurrection of the dead the child that was buried in its infancy will come up in the form of the child that it was when it was laid down; then it will begin to develop.” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 24)
“Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit.” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 453.)