It's pretty much official. I have entered freak out mode. I don't do well with change. You would think that I would have learned to adapt to it, I've had a lot of experience with change. (IE 13 different mission companions) Yet, still, when faced with more change I freak out.
What is this current change? Nothing that big. I'm moving. Big Whoop. In about ten days I am going to climb into Hexadecimal (that would be my car) pick up my friend CRH and drive. Drive all the way from Houston...ish, TX to the land of my forefathers. Well... at least my father and mother. Yep, it's true. I'm moving home. I'm going to go help house-sit while my parents go and serve another mission. That is a GREAT thing for them to be doing. But here I am, freaking out over it all. Let's list the reasons I'm not coping, shall we?
1. Lack of Job Security: I have no job in the land of my forefathers. I HATE job hunting. And no job = no money. There is more to life than money, but I need to be able to eat. Yeah, that would be good.
2. Lack of parents: Ok, let's be honest. I haven't lived with my parents since 2005. But when I left them, it was to go on a mission. Then I got home and during that whole awkward "I have no idea what is going on in my life" they were still gone. I should have noticed, but I was just strange, so that didn't seem to bother me. Then they got off their mission and I moved to TX. So really, it's been 3 full years. But the idea of me living in their house while they are in IL serving the Lord scares me spitless. It's like, just knowing that they can't drop everything and come save me (not that they have needed to) causes my heart to race and my blood pressure to climb. I'm 24. I need to get over this. But for now, it's just stressing me out.
3. Lack of direction in life: When I moved to TX it was a big thing. But I had just gotten off my mission, and I KNEW that Heavenly Father was calling me to live in TX. So I moved. He got me on a good day. Now, I've been off the mission for almost 16 months, and I'm moving back into my old bedroom. That's a scary thing for me. It's so easy to go back to your old self and just... become stagnate. I don't want that. But I don't know what I'm doing. Why did I move to TX? Why am I moving back home now? What do I want to do for a living? Where should I work? What changes do I need to make in myself? What color of socks should I wear tomorrow? Why don't I have more argyle in my life? These are serious problems!
4. Lack of TX in my life: Since I moved to TX all I could think of was moving home. Now that it is happening, all I want to do is stay. I may be impossible to please. Here is the thing, though. When I moved down here and had to leave all of my friends, I knew it would be a temporary thing. Now I'm moving back to those friends, but leaving behind some amazing new friends. And they seem to have direction in their lives. Yes, some of them... well mostly one of them may be freaking out herself, but she is making very obvious progress. So I'm going to leave and be totally out of the club, cause I moved, and also because I became stagnant. It's like I'm going to turn into the girl who sends off a missionary and then just sits on the shelf for 2 years and no one wants her when they get home. Only this time I'll just be the girl who left, and then sat in her same old bedroom for the rest of eternity while I watch my friends make changes in the distance.
5. Lack of being part of their changes: Seriously, my dear friend is going to go through some big changes. I want to be there for/with her. It's a total bummer to leave right when things are going to get really good.
6. Lack of scuttle: *Side note: a Scuttle is a deep bucket for carrying coal... it would be the masculine version of Paily* I'm only 24. So the fact that this even crossed my mind ticks me off. But it is there, so you get to read about it. I don't have a specific Scuttle that I'm talking about. Here's the problem. Scuttles don't go... Picking things up in the land of my forefathers. As in, all of them are either full of holes so anything they do start to think of picking up they drop very quickly, or they are sitting in the corner too chicken to pick up anything. In TX Scuttles actually do something. They get up, they pick up, and though they may end up putting you down eventually, they at least took you for a ride. (Ok, in non-bucket language, all that means, is boys actually date in TX. They don't do that where I'm from. Why? You got me. They have plenty of choices, but instead they just sit there and twiddle their thumbs.)
7. Lack of packing: I move in 10 days. Let's see how many things I've started to pack... OH, NONE! And I have to fit it all in my car. I just need some mad stuff-it-in skills and then it should all fit. And I need to clean everything. I'm living with my brother. I'm pretty sure they would like a clean room when I leave. Bummer. Can't I just torch the whole thing? Oh, that's a fun idea...
Alright, I am very tempted to erase point #6. But I won't. Oh well. You can all know that inside of this Pail is a girl who does want to go on a date sometime. Don't think less of me. I'll get over it. It's probably just a phase.
Now I need to stop freaking out. All of these things don't really matter. And ALL of them will work out. It's just until they do I have the desire to run for cover and take a nap with my favorite teddy bear.
This Paily will be fine. I will now go put on my happy, non-freak-out face and move on. Thanks, I just needed a little freak out moment. Breathe in... breath out... See all better. Thanks, Yo's.
*this post may be longer than a monkey... sorry about that*