Living Through the Unexpected

Well, friends.  This has been a crazy week.  I've had a lot of time to think, reflect, pray, cry and change.  And even though it's been hard, I am grateful for the blessing that I have.

Last Monday, Hod had a rough day.  He's been through a lot in his life.  Things that have scarred him.  When I married him, I knew that he struggled with depression.  Soon after we settled into our first apartment he was diagnosed with PTSD.  We were unable to get him the help he needed for a while, and because of different events I now have Secondary-PTSD.  Last summer Hod and I were both put on antidepressants.  And life seemed to get better.

After a few months Hod was having a hard time again.  So the Dr upped his dose.  And life seemed to get better.

A few months later Hod was having a hard time again.  So the Dr. once again upped his dose.

But it just didn't seem to be working.

On Monday, he knew he was loosing control.  He couldn't stop the anger and rage, and the overwhelming hurt that was threatening to destroy him.  So he came to me, and asked me to call his sister and to take him to the hospital.  There he was checked in to the Adult Psychiatry unit.

Last week, I was a single mom, having to rely on loved ones to help take care of #1 so I could visit Hod.  I was allowed to call him 3 times a day for 10 min each, and see him for 90 minutes every evening.  Because he was a self-admit he was able to see #1 after the first 24 hours.

While there, we discovered that the medication he was on was wrong.  Apparently there are 2 common chemicals that go wrong in your brain if you have depression.  1 is the chemical that most people have wrong, and that is what his medication was treating.  The other is the chemical most likely to be messed up if you have fried your brains on drugs.  Hod has never done drugs.  However, while he was serving his mission for the Church he had some medical problems, the Dr's pumped him full of morphine, and then he discovered that he was allergic.  It actually messed up the chemicals in his brain.   So, all this time, he was on medicine that was giving him too much of one chemical, and not enough of the other.  This is why he would lose control.

And now, after a very hard week where I was driving back and forth (Oh, did I mention that the hospital Hod was in was 45 min away?) and trying to take care of things that were beyond what I thought my capabilities were, Hod is back home.  We are a family again.

#1 did really quite well with the crazy week.  She seems to have grown up a lot.  She is crying less (big shout of joy!) and she is actually learning to cope with her life.  In fact, today, for the first time, she put herself to sleep.  I hope she will keep that up!

Hod has since told me, that out of all of the married people in the hospital with him, he was the only one who had a supportive spouse.  He saw multiple divorce papers signed.  I just don't understand that.  Yes, life with Hod has been less than ideal, but how could I leave a man who was ill, when we hadn't ever gotten him the proper help?  I knew that even though it was so hard having him gone, that he could get better.  Having him away from me helped me to know how much I truly value him in my life.  Things aren't perfect yet, but I finally feel real hope that we can have a healthy relationship.

I am so very blessed to have Hod and #1.  They both have caused hardships in my life, and I'm sure I don't always make their life easier.  But, this morning, looking at Hod and #1 sleeping next to each other, I realized that I have the greatest blessing in the entire world.

I don't say this to brag.  I realize that sometimes I have been negative.  There have been times that I have complained about things that some of my loved ones would do anything to have.  I just want you all to know that I am really realizing that I have it pretty good.

*And as a random side note, Hod just went back to check on #1 while she naps.  She must be having a crazy dream, cause her arms are making her look like she is a Flamenco Dancer.  It's pretty great!*