Thursday, January 5, 2012

Being a Little Serious

Ok... maybe a lot serious.

I love #1.  I love her more than I ever imagined loving someone besides Hod.  Motherhood is one of the best things in the world.

And that's what I tell everyone.

That's what they want to hear.  That is what they expect to be true.  And it is true.  But there is another side.

When you deliver at the hospital that I did, they give you a movie called "The Period of Purple Crying".  We were supposed to watch it, but I thought I knew what it was about, so I just never got around to it.  But lately I've been more curious.  I thought it was just a movie that talked about babies crying and about how to prevent Shaken Baby Syndrome.  And it is... but it is about more.  Last night, I spent quite a while on their website found here.

See, #1 cries.  A lot.  And it's not like some babies who have health problems that cause the crying.  And there is no real pattern.  She will start and stop for no reason.  Well, she doesn't often stop.  Yesterday (and I'm not exaggerating) from 9 AM to 8:30 PM #1 would sleep for under 15 min, and then wake up and cry until she fell back asleep, and then repeat.   All day long.  And this isn't the first day.  This happens at least 3 days a week.  Everyone thinks they know what it is like.  Everyone thinks they know what is wrong.  I've heard a lot of it, it's re-flux (which she does have), it's colic, it's a way to wind down at the end of the day so she can sleep, she's in pain, she's just an ornery baby, I've heard a lot.

But she's not sick, I asked the doctor.  And she's not in pain, I can tell cause that cry is different.  And it's not re-flux, cause she's on medicine for that and I can tell a difference when I forget to give her the medicine.  But still I feel judged.  When I take her to the store people glare at me when she cries, or offer their advice because they know exactly what is wrong with my girl.

It's Purple Crying.  It has no reason.  It has no pattern.  It has no explanation.  It's just really hard.  I have never wanted to do anything to hurt #1 to get her to stop.  And yes, when it gets to be too much I put her down and walk away.  But often I just join her.  Holding her, rocking her, crying with her.  Wondering what is wrong with my baby.  Wondering why she doesn't like me because she seems to do better with other people. Wondering how much longer I can take the constant crying.

Sometimes I wish I was still pregnant (but this isn't postpartum that is a whole different story.)  just because I can't handle the crying.  Sometimes I wish I could leave and get away.  I look forward to the days that I have known that I was going to go see my Mom because then I knew I could have a break.  As much as I love her, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Hod has tried to help, but usually after being home for an hour he can't handle it anymore so he gives her back to me.  I've felt that there must be something wrong with me.  When I've mentioned it to others I'm usually told that I have it easy.  Other people have had sick babies who cried a lot.  But I can handle the crying when there is a reason.

So, that's the truth.  That is how I am doing.  Not great.

However,  last night Hod gave #1 a priesthood blessing so she would be able to stop.  And today hasn't been perfect, but she's been able to sleep for more than 15 minutes.  I know eventually it will stop.  So I'll keep going.

Sorry to be so serious.  I just thought I'd tell you all the truth.


Salena said...

:( How sad. I can't imagine what its like to have a baby constantly crying. Not to mention the comments and looks from others. I sure hope it ends soon! Sending my love to both of you.

Ricky and Sara Johnson said...

I am truly sorry that this is a hard time in your life. If you ever need to vent or talk to someone, please give me a call. I know I don't have any idea of what you are doing through but I hope I can help.

Kaylee said...

I find it interesting when people give advice to mothers. They are trying to help (we hope), but it still kind of baffles me. I study human development and babies and how to help and all that jazz, but I would never try to tell a mother what's wrong with her baby. Babies 101 says momma always knows best. YOU, my dear, are such a good mother, and I can only imagine how extremely difficult it must be to have her crying for no reason, but you know what's best for your sweet baby girl, and things will be okay. Hopefully sooner rather than later. If you ever need a break, give me a call. I'd gladly endure some crying if that helps you. :) Love you!

Jamie Younker said...

So I totally should have read your blog before I sent you that message on facebook. :) Can I Just say it like it is? That sucks. It just does. I'm sorry. My cousin's little girl was just like yours. And she too had lots of people tell her what was wrong, but the reality of it is it was just Purple Crying... crying for NO reason until she was purple in the face. Hang in there girl. The truth is she WILL grow out of it eventually. I wish I lived closer so I could take her from you for a while to give you a break. Love you. I think you are a fantastic mom!

Miss Nelson said...

I'M SORRY!! If it makes you feel any better, I know you're a fantastic mommy - cuz I've seen you in action! Sending prayers your way....well....I mean extra prayers, cuz I'm always sending prayers your way. You can do this! I love you!