Being a Little Serious

Ok... maybe a lot serious.

I love #1.  I love her more than I ever imagined loving someone besides Hod.  Motherhood is one of the best things in the world.

And that's what I tell everyone.

That's what they want to hear.  That is what they expect to be true.  And it is true.  But there is another side.

When you deliver at the hospital that I did, they give you a movie called "The Period of Purple Crying".  We were supposed to watch it, but I thought I knew what it was about, so I just never got around to it.  But lately I've been more curious.  I thought it was just a movie that talked about babies crying and about how to prevent Shaken Baby Syndrome.  And it is... but it is about more.  Last night, I spent quite a while on their website found here.

See, #1 cries.  A lot.  And it's not like some babies who have health problems that cause the crying.  And there is no real pattern.  She will start and stop for no reason.  Well, she doesn't often stop.  Yesterday (and I'm not exaggerating) from 9 AM to 8:30 PM #1 would sleep for under 15 min, and then wake up and cry until she fell back asleep, and then repeat.   All day long.  And this isn't the first day.  This happens at least 3 days a week.  Everyone thinks they know what it is like.  Everyone thinks they know what is wrong.  I've heard a lot of it, it's re-flux (which she does have), it's colic, it's a way to wind down at the end of the day so she can sleep, she's in pain, she's just an ornery baby, I've heard a lot.

But she's not sick, I asked the doctor.  And she's not in pain, I can tell cause that cry is different.  And it's not re-flux, cause she's on medicine for that and I can tell a difference when I forget to give her the medicine.  But still I feel judged.  When I take her to the store people glare at me when she cries, or offer their advice because they know exactly what is wrong with my girl.

It's Purple Crying.  It has no reason.  It has no pattern.  It has no explanation.  It's just really hard.  I have never wanted to do anything to hurt #1 to get her to stop.  And yes, when it gets to be too much I put her down and walk away.  But often I just join her.  Holding her, rocking her, crying with her.  Wondering what is wrong with my baby.  Wondering why she doesn't like me because she seems to do better with other people. Wondering how much longer I can take the constant crying.

Sometimes I wish I was still pregnant (but this isn't postpartum that is a whole different story.)  just because I can't handle the crying.  Sometimes I wish I could leave and get away.  I look forward to the days that I have known that I was going to go see my Mom because then I knew I could have a break.  As much as I love her, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Hod has tried to help, but usually after being home for an hour he can't handle it anymore so he gives her back to me.  I've felt that there must be something wrong with me.  When I've mentioned it to others I'm usually told that I have it easy.  Other people have had sick babies who cried a lot.  But I can handle the crying when there is a reason.

So, that's the truth.  That is how I am doing.  Not great.

However,  last night Hod gave #1 a priesthood blessing so she would be able to stop.  And today hasn't been perfect, but she's been able to sleep for more than 15 minutes.  I know eventually it will stop.  So I'll keep going.

Sorry to be so serious.  I just thought I'd tell you all the truth.