Living Through the Unexpected

Well, friends.  This has been a crazy week.  I've had a lot of time to think, reflect, pray, cry and change.  And even though it's been hard, I am grateful for the blessing that I have.

Last Monday, Hod had a rough day.  He's been through a lot in his life.  Things that have scarred him.  When I married him, I knew that he struggled with depression.  Soon after we settled into our first apartment he was diagnosed with PTSD.  We were unable to get him the help he needed for a while, and because of different events I now have Secondary-PTSD.  Last summer Hod and I were both put on antidepressants.  And life seemed to get better.

After a few months Hod was having a hard time again.  So the Dr upped his dose.  And life seemed to get better.

A few months later Hod was having a hard time again.  So the Dr. once again upped his dose.

But it just didn't seem to be working.

On Monday, he knew he was loosing control.  He couldn't stop the anger and rage, and the overwhelming hurt that was threatening to destroy him.  So he came to me, and asked me to call his sister and to take him to the hospital.  There he was checked in to the Adult Psychiatry unit.

Last week, I was a single mom, having to rely on loved ones to help take care of #1 so I could visit Hod.  I was allowed to call him 3 times a day for 10 min each, and see him for 90 minutes every evening.  Because he was a self-admit he was able to see #1 after the first 24 hours.

While there, we discovered that the medication he was on was wrong.  Apparently there are 2 common chemicals that go wrong in your brain if you have depression.  1 is the chemical that most people have wrong, and that is what his medication was treating.  The other is the chemical most likely to be messed up if you have fried your brains on drugs.  Hod has never done drugs.  However, while he was serving his mission for the Church he had some medical problems, the Dr's pumped him full of morphine, and then he discovered that he was allergic.  It actually messed up the chemicals in his brain.   So, all this time, he was on medicine that was giving him too much of one chemical, and not enough of the other.  This is why he would lose control.

And now, after a very hard week where I was driving back and forth (Oh, did I mention that the hospital Hod was in was 45 min away?) and trying to take care of things that were beyond what I thought my capabilities were, Hod is back home.  We are a family again.

#1 did really quite well with the crazy week.  She seems to have grown up a lot.  She is crying less (big shout of joy!) and she is actually learning to cope with her life.  In fact, today, for the first time, she put herself to sleep.  I hope she will keep that up!

Hod has since told me, that out of all of the married people in the hospital with him, he was the only one who had a supportive spouse.  He saw multiple divorce papers signed.  I just don't understand that.  Yes, life with Hod has been less than ideal, but how could I leave a man who was ill, when we hadn't ever gotten him the proper help?  I knew that even though it was so hard having him gone, that he could get better.  Having him away from me helped me to know how much I truly value him in my life.  Things aren't perfect yet, but I finally feel real hope that we can have a healthy relationship.

I am so very blessed to have Hod and #1.  They both have caused hardships in my life, and I'm sure I don't always make their life easier.  But, this morning, looking at Hod and #1 sleeping next to each other, I realized that I have the greatest blessing in the entire world.

I don't say this to brag.  I realize that sometimes I have been negative.  There have been times that I have complained about things that some of my loved ones would do anything to have.  I just want you all to know that I am really realizing that I have it pretty good.

*And as a random side note, Hod just went back to check on #1 while she naps.  She must be having a crazy dream, cause her arms are making her look like she is a Flamenco Dancer.  It's pretty great!*

My Happy Place

Days go by.  Some days are great, some days are hard.  But most days have at least one moment of this:

And then, for that moment, my day is wonderful.  

Cause my baby is CUTE!!

sometimes I just need to brag a little. :)

Are You The Queen?

Here I am, ready to rant again.

SO, Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription for #1.  (Nothing major, she just takes 1 ml of re flux medicine a day.  It's pretty important, but she's not sick or anything.)  In our recent move, the closet Wal-mart is always busy.  And the pharmacy is insane.  Because I was a slacker I hadn't ordered the prescription refill until we were out of the medicine.  At the time of this story, #1 had missed 2 doses of her medicine.  She was not a happy camper.

There I am, waiting in a super long line to pick up #1's prescription.  It was just me, and because #1 had been asleep when I first got there I was carrying her in her car seat.  So, she was heavy.  But of course as soon as I got in line, she woke up.  I didn't want to pull her out, cause then I couldn't carry her, the diaper bag, and the empty car seat.  Instead I was crouching on the floor, holding a pacifier in her mouth and rocking the car seat back and forth.  It wasn't really working.  She still hated it.  And she was screaming!  I'm slowly moving up in the line, trying very hard to take care of my screaming baby.  It was quite stressful.  Then, finally, I was next in line!  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, a dark cloud covered the pharmacy, and an evil woman swooped down.  (Ok, not really, but that's how it should have happened!)  She walked over to the drop-off window and I heard her say, "Hi, I need to pick up a prescription." To which the employee responded, "Sorry, ma'am, but this is the drop-off window."  Miss Queeny then flashed a flirtatious smile and said, "Yes, I know, but I'm in a hurry, and I didn't want to wait in that long line, so I thought you could help me here."  She was told no, and so she started walking towards the pick-up area.

Right as this happened my turn came up.  As I went to pick up the car seat, evil-selfish-I-Think-I'm-All-Important-woman rushed in front of me with a quick smile and a "sorry" and butted in line.

EXCUSE ME???  I was in too much shock to really say anything.  The Wal-mart employee didn't care and helped her first.  

Um... Hello!!!  Do you see me?  I've been waiting in line for 20 min!  And my daughter is screaming!  And you're mean!  I don't care who you are, get in line crazy lady!

After she was done she turned to me again, and said, "Thanks for letting me go first, I'm just in such a hurry, I'm on my lunch break."

To which I replied "I didn't let you.  You jumped in so fast that anyone with less than lighting speed reflexes had no choice, you selfish mean lady."  (Ok, I didn't say that.  But I wanted too!   I think what actually came out was, "Uh... er..."  Yep, I'm that good.)

I don't know where this lady got off.  That was just mean.  I'm sorry that you are in a hurry.  But if it is now your lunch break and it is only 2 PM and the pharmacy doesn't close till 9 PM I'm sure you could have come later!

I was very unhappy.  

Digital Can Be A Bummer

I've always been a bit camera happy.  This was a problem growing up.  If I got a hold of a camera, you could be sure the film would be all used up in a matter of minutes.  I remember getting my very own camera.  It was red, and had no back til you put the film in it.  It was the COOLEST thing ever.  My dear sweet Mom had a hard time finding the balance between keeping me in film and throwing her money down the drain because most of my pictures were worthless.

Then came digital.  I was a bit slow at being able to get on the bandwagon, but it rocked my knee-highs.  I could take all the pictures I wanted without it being a waste!  Life had joy.  (Well, for lots of reasons life had joy, this was just one more.)

And now, I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter.  (Just go with me, I'll connect it in a minute)  She is so wonderful.  She has started this thing that when she smiles and she really means it, one side is much bigger than the other.  In fact, one side will get so big that she has to close her eye.  This result in the CUTEST wink/smile face that I have ever seen in my life.  I can't help but smile and laugh when she does this.

But, I can't get a picture of it.  Every time I try the digital delay misses it.  The wink/smile never lasts very long.  And every digital camera that I can afford has just enough delay that I can't seem to catch it.  It really is such a bummer.

Oh, digital.  Such a fickle friend.

The Perfect Storm

Isn't that the name of a book or something?  About how everything lines up just perfectly to make everything wrong?

Well, that's not what I mean today.

I really quite like snow.  However, last winter I lived in the frigid north, and I didn't love the snow.  Once it snowed in early November, it was cloudy, slick, cold and wet through most of March.  After three months all snow should be banished to the North Pole.  No, really, they like it up there.  It helps hide Santa's workshop.

Anyway, though I live in a place known for "The Greatest Snow on Earth" (just ask the licence plates) we haven't had any snow yet.  That made for a very brown Christmas, but with all of the traveling I was doing, I was actually quite grateful.

But last night it snowed!  And it was done snowing before 8:00 AM.  So then the snowplows were all out doing their business.  Just after 9 I went to the store, and the roads were decent.  But then, the sun came out! And then the roads were great!  And the world looked beautiful!  And we didn't have to die cause of dangerous conditions.

It was perfect.

So, here's to you, Mr. Perfect Snow Storm.  Please come again.

Oh, and in other news, I cut my hair.  I'm still working with the styling, but today it looked like this:

(Please ignore all post pregnancy blemishes... I feel like a teenager)

AND today I made a Cafe Rio Sweet Pork Salad knock off.  And it was pretty darn good.

Pintrest.  It teaches you great things.

Being a Little Serious

Ok... maybe a lot serious.

I love #1.  I love her more than I ever imagined loving someone besides Hod.  Motherhood is one of the best things in the world.

And that's what I tell everyone.

That's what they want to hear.  That is what they expect to be true.  And it is true.  But there is another side.

When you deliver at the hospital that I did, they give you a movie called "The Period of Purple Crying".  We were supposed to watch it, but I thought I knew what it was about, so I just never got around to it.  But lately I've been more curious.  I thought it was just a movie that talked about babies crying and about how to prevent Shaken Baby Syndrome.  And it is... but it is about more.  Last night, I spent quite a while on their website found here.

See, #1 cries.  A lot.  And it's not like some babies who have health problems that cause the crying.  And there is no real pattern.  She will start and stop for no reason.  Well, she doesn't often stop.  Yesterday (and I'm not exaggerating) from 9 AM to 8:30 PM #1 would sleep for under 15 min, and then wake up and cry until she fell back asleep, and then repeat.   All day long.  And this isn't the first day.  This happens at least 3 days a week.  Everyone thinks they know what it is like.  Everyone thinks they know what is wrong.  I've heard a lot of it, it's re-flux (which she does have), it's colic, it's a way to wind down at the end of the day so she can sleep, she's in pain, she's just an ornery baby, I've heard a lot.

But she's not sick, I asked the doctor.  And she's not in pain, I can tell cause that cry is different.  And it's not re-flux, cause she's on medicine for that and I can tell a difference when I forget to give her the medicine.  But still I feel judged.  When I take her to the store people glare at me when she cries, or offer their advice because they know exactly what is wrong with my girl.

It's Purple Crying.  It has no reason.  It has no pattern.  It has no explanation.  It's just really hard.  I have never wanted to do anything to hurt #1 to get her to stop.  And yes, when it gets to be too much I put her down and walk away.  But often I just join her.  Holding her, rocking her, crying with her.  Wondering what is wrong with my baby.  Wondering why she doesn't like me because she seems to do better with other people. Wondering how much longer I can take the constant crying.

Sometimes I wish I was still pregnant (but this isn't postpartum that is a whole different story.)  just because I can't handle the crying.  Sometimes I wish I could leave and get away.  I look forward to the days that I have known that I was going to go see my Mom because then I knew I could have a break.  As much as I love her, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Hod has tried to help, but usually after being home for an hour he can't handle it anymore so he gives her back to me.  I've felt that there must be something wrong with me.  When I've mentioned it to others I'm usually told that I have it easy.  Other people have had sick babies who cried a lot.  But I can handle the crying when there is a reason.

So, that's the truth.  That is how I am doing.  Not great.

However,  last night Hod gave #1 a priesthood blessing so she would be able to stop.  And today hasn't been perfect, but she's been able to sleep for more than 15 minutes.  I know eventually it will stop.  So I'll keep going.

Sorry to be so serious.  I just thought I'd tell you all the truth.