Growing

As many of you know, pregnancy was hard for me.  I felt so sick, and gross.  And I wasn't happy.  I wanted a baby, I wanted to experience pregnancy, but I didn't like it.  I was sad.  I was hurting.  I was pretty messed up.  I remember sitting on my couch during my second trimester (the one that everyone says is the best) and just hurting inside.  I hurt so bad.  I wanted my insides to match my outsides.  I wanted to hurt myself.  It was a strange thing for me.  I hadn't ever felt that so strong.  But I didn't want to hurt my baby.  This resulted (multiple times) in Hod finding me laying on the floor in our walk in closet.  I went there because everything there was soft and safe.  There wasn't anything to hurt myself with.

We went to my OB and told him about it.  He informed me that 10% of pregnant women just get depressed.  Seriously depressed.  Something about how the hormones and chemicals change in their body during pregnancy just make them a little crazy.  So I was put on medication so I would stop wanting to hurt myself.

It worked, and I was very grateful.

However, women who have this problem are pretty much guaranteed to have postpartum.  Breastfeeding helps with that.  But #1 had a problem with my medication so we had to stop breastfeeding.

It's been a little bit of a struggle.  #1 has such a great smile and I love her so much.  However, some days... I just didn't care.  I didn't want her to die or anything, but I just didn't care that she was here.

Can I just tell you the guilt that comes with that?  While I was pregnant (and not loving it) I think I offended at least one family member when I didn't say that it was the greatest thing ever.  I had multiple people in my life who desperately wanted to be pregnant.  I was pregnant and didn't like it.  That would hurt.  Then I had a beautiful baby.  I had friends and family who wanted a beautiful baby.  I had multiple friends and family who lost their babies through miscarriage and stillbirth.  But I wasn't happy.  And then I just had more guilt.  I had everything that they wanted and I didn't cherish it always.

It has been a long struggle.  Some days I had so much love.  Some days she was just a fun kid that I watched.  Some days I just didn't care.  But now, I think I'm there.  I can't even explain the amount of love I have.  Something about this girl just makes my heart melt.  I wish there were words to really describe how I feel.  I just want to squeeze her and kiss her all the day long.

Being a Mom is becoming a great thing.

And in case you are wondering, Marionberry Yogurt is good.  It's by Tillamook, and delicious!