It's my 100th post

Hey friends!

Sorry it's been so long.  I realized that my next post was going to be my 100th.  So I wanted to post something super cool!  I waited, and waited for something super cool, and it didn't come.  Instead you get this.  It is maybe super cool.

*WARNING*  This post could incur sharing penalties.  You have been warned.

I say maybe, cause I don't know if it's really happening.

First, I need to apologize to L1-L3.  You see, I'm probably pregnant.  One day, Hod and I decided to tell everyone.  Before I got to everyone I ended up in the emergency room.  I was possibly miscarrying.  As a result, I didn't really want to call anyone and tell them that I was pregnant.  That was Oct 23rd.  In the ER they took my blood so they could check hormone levels.  Then by checking them again on Monday they could know if I was miscarrying or not by how the levels changed.  On Monday I went back to the doctor.  They took my blood, and tested it, but because my ER visit was so late, it hadn't been a full 48 hours.  The numbers went up, but not enough.  We decided to blame time and try again.  Oct 29th they took my blood again.  Saturday they called me and said "Well, your levels are doubling appropriately, so it seems you're ok."  Through all of this, no one has told me why I'm bleeding so much.  I'm just told to wait and we'll see.

Hod and I have been trying to be positive, but we've still be so unsure.  But today we had an ultrasound.  This will answer all of our questions, right??  Yeah, that was our hope.  Here's what we know now.  I am 8 weeks along.  However, I'm only measuring at 6 weeks.  There is a baby inside of me, with a beating heart, but the heart is beating very slow.  Now, if I am really actually only at 6 weeks then this could be fine.  The heart is normally really slow at 6 weeks.  And we don't know for sure when I actually ovulated because I was just coming off of birth control and that messes everything up.  There is also a "spot of bleeding" or something like that.  This is a problem.  They are wondering if the placenta was too aggressive, and if that is what is the problem.  The Dr isn't sure what is going on.  At this time, he is leaning towards miscarriage.  Still.  Even though I got to see the baby.  Even though the heart is beating.  Even though I am doing everything right.

Now, one thing that I have to tell myself over and over, is what the Dr told me today.  He said that if I have been living a normal life, and not doing certain things (Which I haven't been) then there is no way that I could have been having a normal pregnancy and I messed it up.  It's just kind of a natural selection type of thing.

So, It's not my fault.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  Even though we've been waiting for 2 weeks, wondering, praying, stressing, not sleeping, we still don't know.  They have ordered another ultrasound for next week.  If things continue to look bad then we'll have a decision to make.  Wait it out when there is no hope, not knowing what will happen, OR surgery.  Basically choose to have an abortion because the baby will not live to full term and will not develop right.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, but some days it's hard.  I mean, really, I'm 26.  And I'm LDS.  I'm already way behind in the whole start a family thing.  I don't want to be set back again.  I don't want to lose the baby.  I love this child.  And through it all, there is nothing I can do.  But wait.

So, I'll put on my happy face.  I'll get in my car and drive through the snow and go to work.  I'll do what I can to serve others and think of them.  And the entire time I will pray that our baby will be able to stay with us.  That's all I can do.

Sorry to be a downer, but there's my life.  My 100th post.  Big news... and not.

They Are A Gift From God

I have made a great discovery.  Fuzzy pajama pants are a gift from our loving Heavenly Father.  Let me explain.

Do you ever have those days?  Those days where no matter what you try, it's just not right?  And you try so hard!  Sometimes, those days come in multiples.  I've been going on those days for about a week and a half.  You work, and you work, and you pray, and you fast, and things start to look better, and then they just stop?  And you know that the Church is true.  Nothing like this would make you question that.  But you don't understand why Heavenly Father is telling you what he has.  So you move forward in faith.  You use the language of faith.  You do acts of faith.  And you know that prayer will help.  So you keep praying.  And you know that when you fasted things did get better.  But you need to eat sometimes.  You can only fast so many times.  But this is what Heavenly Father said.  And you don't understand, but you want to.  So you move forward in faith.  Having hope in the answers you have received.  Knowing that you can trust Heavenly Father.

And on days like this, all you want is a hug.  Not just any hug, but a specific hug.  But the person you want a hug from isn't available to give it.

At the end of the day, you put on your fuzzy pajama pants.  And they are comfy.  They are always there, and they are right.  It's not the same as a hug, but you can almost imagine it is.  So you have your pajama pants.  You put them on, curl up in a ball, imagine the hug and you can finally cry.  Sometimes when you feel a little hopeless, you can find love in pajama pants.  It's not what you want, but it will have to do.  And there is always hope for tomorrow.

Pj's.  They are a gift from God.  I don't mean that in a mocking way.  It's totally true.