Bittersweet

Sorry, friends, this is not going to be warm fuzzy.

This week two of my dear friends gave birth.  This week, I have also heard through the grapevine of two other friends who just found out they are pregnant.  I'll be honest, I feel like I only have five friends up here.  The other friend is like me: trying to get pregnant but failing.  She's been at this much longer than I have, and I can't claim to really understand her side.  But I do know mine.

I realize that I've only been married 5 months.  That means I really shouldn't be sad about things at all.  I mean, really, 5 months??  Not that long.  Yet, I can't stop myself from doing the math and realizing that I should be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  But I'm not.  I had surgery instead.  And now, because of my surgery, my body is basically going through puberty again.  Really, I've been breaking out like I did when I was 11.  And I'm super CRAZY irregular.  How do you get pregnant when you don't know when anything is happening?  And this is the second month in a row that I've been 2 weeks late (Ok... only kind of late cause apparently I'm just irregular, but for my old self I'm late) and despite how many pregnancy tests I take I always fail.

Part of me knows that some people have it so much worse.  But I also haven't mentioned the other things that have been going on.  Those aren't my things to share, so I won't do that here.  Just suffice it to say these past 5 months have been the hardest in my life.  Not because of anyone's fault.  Just because of past things that are coming to surface that now we have to deal with together.

It's all out of my control.  I realize that.  Part of me knows that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  The other part of me can't see it at all.  Hod and I will be ok.  But today, I'm just throwing myself a little pity party.  And wishing I could hold my baby.

PS  I took off comments for this one.  Thanks for the warm thoughts, but really, no one can say anything to take away the problem, so I thought I'd save you the trouble of feeling like you had to try.

Love you all!